I have a really hard time with holidays.
It always seemed that the most horrible things always happen during or around them.
As my father got older, all sorts of crazy things always happened around holidays.
I'm not sure on exact years and dates, but I'll start with the year that I got a call on my birthday. My dad had fallen down the basement stairs. My mom needed me to go there. It must have been around my 28th birthday.
One year on Thanksgiving, Ian and I went to visit my dad in the nursing home. Now, I will say, that nursing home was awful! My mom had been staying at another nursing home recovering from back surgery. My father started found out that she had gone back to their apartment. He started demanding to take him home, or he would kill himself. We ended up following my dad in an ambulance to the hospital in Lebanon where he would be on suicide watch. In a couple weeks, they released him to go home with mom. Then, Ian and I went to visit on Christmas, and dad was on the floor. He had been on the floor for over six hours! He wouldn't let my mom dial 911 or call for help! I pushed the alert button and got help there. He ended up in the hospital for Christmas.
After that, he was put in a fairly nice nursing home in Mulberry. It was kind of far from mom though. I went to visit one Saturday, because I just happened to be in that area. He again started demanding to be moved closer to mom THAT DAY or he would kill himself! I explained that he couldn't be moved until Monday, because it was Saturday. He threw a fit and kept saying he would kill himself!
We got him moved on Monday.
One Thanksgiving weekend, my dad was in the hospital. He oxygen levels were drastically low. Hope, Ian, and I went to the cafeteria to talk whether or not to just make him comfortable. We go back to his room, and he's sitting up talking to the nurses! That hour discussion, and he completely turned around!
At this time, the holidays are just reminders of how I can't have children. It makes me sad. Every one around me right now is pregnant or has just had a baby.
These are just a few examples.
Ian knows I have a really hard time with holidays. I've talked him into Disney World for one Thanksgiving. It was probably the best Thanksgiving I've had in a long time!
I do love my family, but I'm over bad happenings with bad timing. I'd rather be at Disney World.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Friday, October 5, 2018
I see you, mama!
On Thursday evening, we attended the performance of the "Lion King, the Musical" at the Murat Theater.
The performance was AMAZING!
Before the show started, I saw a young boy flapping his arms. Not thinking about it, I said, "WOW, they must have gave him a TON of sugar!"
By the time the show started, I realized that this young boy was on the autism spectrum. I could tell that an older couple a few rows up from them were extremely annoyed by the boy's antics.
The kid did extremely well with watching the performance. But OMG, when Timon and Pumbaa came on to the stage, he was SO EXCITED!
I really enjoyed watching this kid have such a great time! I could tell that the couple two rows in from of this family were stressing this mamma out!
I just wanted to say, Mamma, you are doing a GREAT job!!! <3
The performance was AMAZING!
Before the show started, I saw a young boy flapping his arms. Not thinking about it, I said, "WOW, they must have gave him a TON of sugar!"
By the time the show started, I realized that this young boy was on the autism spectrum. I could tell that an older couple a few rows up from them were extremely annoyed by the boy's antics.
The kid did extremely well with watching the performance. But OMG, when Timon and Pumbaa came on to the stage, he was SO EXCITED!
I really enjoyed watching this kid have such a great time! I could tell that the couple two rows in from of this family were stressing this mamma out!
I just wanted to say, Mamma, you are doing a GREAT job!!! <3
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Mother's Day
The heartbreak.
Another friend announces their pregnancy. I understand how hard they worked to get there. I'm excited for them, yet still heartbroken.
If one more person says, "It will happen when you least expect it!" I might just punch them in the face!
We've started one failed round of IVF, not even getting past the Follicle Stimulation Point. We are going to start a new round of fertility treatments in July.
I was talking to a person I know this last week, and she was stating how OLD her son was going to be, when his wife had their baby. He'll be 40!!! I replied with, "Well, I'll be forty to when we have a baby!" She kept saying, "That's so OLD!!!" My mom had me at 45 years old. My co-worker's mom had her in her 40s. People are SO judgemental about his whole thing!!!
This person often says things that are bordering on rude. Like how a statue she saw was "SO FAT!" Actually, the female statue was a normal body size. It also makes me think, what is she saying about me behind my back. I shouldn't care, but it gets really frustrating.
There were 4-6 pregnancy announcements on Facebook around Mother's day. Well, yay for them. I'm sitting over here with no baby, financially and mentally broken.
I'm starting to worry that it will never happen for me.
Another friend announces their pregnancy. I understand how hard they worked to get there. I'm excited for them, yet still heartbroken.
If one more person says, "It will happen when you least expect it!" I might just punch them in the face!
We've started one failed round of IVF, not even getting past the Follicle Stimulation Point. We are going to start a new round of fertility treatments in July.
I was talking to a person I know this last week, and she was stating how OLD her son was going to be, when his wife had their baby. He'll be 40!!! I replied with, "Well, I'll be forty to when we have a baby!" She kept saying, "That's so OLD!!!" My mom had me at 45 years old. My co-worker's mom had her in her 40s. People are SO judgemental about his whole thing!!!
This person often says things that are bordering on rude. Like how a statue she saw was "SO FAT!" Actually, the female statue was a normal body size. It also makes me think, what is she saying about me behind my back. I shouldn't care, but it gets really frustrating.
There were 4-6 pregnancy announcements on Facebook around Mother's day. Well, yay for them. I'm sitting over here with no baby, financially and mentally broken.
I'm starting to worry that it will never happen for me.
Friday, December 1, 2017
Sexualizing Children in 2017
W Magazine has decided to put Millie Bobbie Brown on their "Sexiest Women Alive" list. There is a huge issue with this. She is 13 years old!!!
This got me thinking though. What about the others? What about Dakota Fanning? What about Brooke Shields? Why is younger better in the eyes of men? (Not all, but quite a few.)
Brooke Shields had nude scenes in a movie when she was 12 years old. She was playing the role of a prostitute. This role was "critically acclaimed." The movie was "Pretty Baby." Then, when Brooke was 14, she had a modeling contract with Calvin Klein. The slogan of that advertising campaign was, "You want to know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." She said this in a way that had a purpose. To sexually entice. To make Calvin Klein's brand sexier. At 14 years old, she did the movie "The Blue Lagoon." Brooke Shields has nude scenes, but later says that older body doubles did the nude scenes. A good chunk of this film is about teenagers discovering sexuality.
Then, there's Dakota Fanning. She was the sweetheart of cinema for many years. This is until the movie "Hound Dog" came along. Now, this movie is about an abusive relationship from the beginning. But then, to get a ticket to see Elvis, a teenage boy rapes her. This is not sexualization to me. This is more about abuse. But many critics stated that they were shocked that Dakota's parents would let her do the scene when she was a mere 13 years old. Dakota shot back to her critics, "It's not really happening. It's a movie, and it's called acting."
Then, at 19, Dakota did a advertising campaign for Marc Jacobs. These ads were "deemed sexually provocative" and banned in a lot of countries. 19 is a very young age, but in the United States, this is considered "adult," and she can make her own advertising campaign choices.
Children learn the word "Sexy" so young these days. They fill the need to be "sexy" when they are 4 or even younger.
How old were you when you first started hearing the word "sexy" as a descriptor for a person? I was probably around 4 or so years old. That creates an impact on a child's life.
This got me thinking though. What about the others? What about Dakota Fanning? What about Brooke Shields? Why is younger better in the eyes of men? (Not all, but quite a few.)
Brooke Shields had nude scenes in a movie when she was 12 years old. She was playing the role of a prostitute. This role was "critically acclaimed." The movie was "Pretty Baby." Then, when Brooke was 14, she had a modeling contract with Calvin Klein. The slogan of that advertising campaign was, "You want to know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." She said this in a way that had a purpose. To sexually entice. To make Calvin Klein's brand sexier. At 14 years old, she did the movie "The Blue Lagoon." Brooke Shields has nude scenes, but later says that older body doubles did the nude scenes. A good chunk of this film is about teenagers discovering sexuality.
Then, there's Dakota Fanning. She was the sweetheart of cinema for many years. This is until the movie "Hound Dog" came along. Now, this movie is about an abusive relationship from the beginning. But then, to get a ticket to see Elvis, a teenage boy rapes her. This is not sexualization to me. This is more about abuse. But many critics stated that they were shocked that Dakota's parents would let her do the scene when she was a mere 13 years old. Dakota shot back to her critics, "It's not really happening. It's a movie, and it's called acting."
Then, at 19, Dakota did a advertising campaign for Marc Jacobs. These ads were "deemed sexually provocative" and banned in a lot of countries. 19 is a very young age, but in the United States, this is considered "adult," and she can make her own advertising campaign choices.
Children learn the word "Sexy" so young these days. They fill the need to be "sexy" when they are 4 or even younger.
How old were you when you first started hearing the word "sexy" as a descriptor for a person? I was probably around 4 or so years old. That creates an impact on a child's life.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Thoughts on Life
Maybe I should write a memoir. People would be shocked! Heck! I WOULD BE SHOCKED! LOL! I was listening to today's Darrin Daily, and he was talking about his "New York Times Best Selling Book," and I thought, "Hmmm, maybe I should write a book!" These random thoughts are brought to you by not enough sleep for the person working 3 jobs! :-)
Honestly, I don't think I've been doing enough reading lately. Maybe I should start with doing more of that!
In just a few short weeks, I will be on vacation. I need the vacation!!! I need rest, a pool, a theme park, things like that!!!
Honestly, I don't think I've been doing enough reading lately. Maybe I should start with doing more of that!
In just a few short weeks, I will be on vacation. I need the vacation!!! I need rest, a pool, a theme park, things like that!!!
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
The Self Doubt
I've been working on growing my Mary Kay business while working two other jobs.
I have goals that I am setting that are personal AND professional.
The number one goal is:
TO HAVE A BABY!!! This is where I want to go with my life this year! I want to have a baby before my 40th birthday! I have ONE YEAR to do this!
My professional goals are this:
I want to become a sales director in Mary Kay by January. To do this, I will need to add around 23-28 active team members!
In doing this, I will be able to make Mary Kay my full time profession.
My first small goal is to wake up early enough every morning to put on my make up.
This is an extreme struggle for me!!! I've been watching videos about how to wake up in the morning. So far, nothing has worked for me. I have also been trying to get to bed earlier, but yet, I can't seem to fall asleep before 1am or later.
I need to be more productive at my day job.
I end up having a lot of distractions at my day job. I need to keep myself consistent until January. In December, I will re-evaluate how this is doing.
With these goals, I have had some self doubt issues. I am normally a positive person, but the last two years with the infertility issues have been severely harsh on my psyche. Since my body can't make a baby happen naturally, my mind says I can't do anything else right either. Health, business, job, etc.
Every so often, my brain says, "You can't do this. You are crazy to even fathom those types of goals!"
I usually try to to "shake off" these thoughts and feelings, but some days, it's hard to do!
I am sick of being a "slave" to my 9am-6pm job. I have other goals that I need to accomplish in my life.
I WILL BE A SALES DIRECTOR in Mary Kay!!!
I have goals that I am setting that are personal AND professional.
The number one goal is:
TO HAVE A BABY!!! This is where I want to go with my life this year! I want to have a baby before my 40th birthday! I have ONE YEAR to do this!
My professional goals are this:
I want to become a sales director in Mary Kay by January. To do this, I will need to add around 23-28 active team members!
In doing this, I will be able to make Mary Kay my full time profession.
My first small goal is to wake up early enough every morning to put on my make up.
This is an extreme struggle for me!!! I've been watching videos about how to wake up in the morning. So far, nothing has worked for me. I have also been trying to get to bed earlier, but yet, I can't seem to fall asleep before 1am or later.
I need to be more productive at my day job.
I end up having a lot of distractions at my day job. I need to keep myself consistent until January. In December, I will re-evaluate how this is doing.
With these goals, I have had some self doubt issues. I am normally a positive person, but the last two years with the infertility issues have been severely harsh on my psyche. Since my body can't make a baby happen naturally, my mind says I can't do anything else right either. Health, business, job, etc.
Every so often, my brain says, "You can't do this. You are crazy to even fathom those types of goals!"
I usually try to to "shake off" these thoughts and feelings, but some days, it's hard to do!
I am sick of being a "slave" to my 9am-6pm job. I have other goals that I need to accomplish in my life.
I WILL BE A SALES DIRECTOR in Mary Kay!!!
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Emily is Leaving...
One day, I get an invitation to a wedding of an acquaintance, more likely because I know his mom and not because I was that close to him. I RSVP'd, and a thing happened. I met his wife at the wedding! We basically became instant friends. She started messaging me through Facebook about the Indy Adult Show Choir and wanting to join. Then, she did join us.
Emily is the most thoughtful and dedicated person I have ever met! We have some of the same struggles in our lives. We bonded not only over music, but the facet that we both needed support to get us through things in our lives.
She's now moving to Austin, Texas, because her husband got a job. I'm to the point where I think, how am I going to survive without her here in the same city?!?!? We basically talk every single day, and saw each other if not almost every other day. Last night, as we were packing the truck for them to move, my thoughts were more like denying that Nate and Emily were leaving. They aren't moving!!! It's all a dream! I am not a crier, I mean, like barely ever. People may look at that as stoic or something. Well, more than anything, I'm dying on the inside!
Emily and Nate, I want to wish you safe travels!!! I love you guys SO MUCH!!! This is going to be such an awesome experience for you!!! You have each other, and that is so important!
Emily is the most thoughtful and dedicated person I have ever met! We have some of the same struggles in our lives. We bonded not only over music, but the facet that we both needed support to get us through things in our lives.
She's now moving to Austin, Texas, because her husband got a job. I'm to the point where I think, how am I going to survive without her here in the same city?!?!? We basically talk every single day, and saw each other if not almost every other day. Last night, as we were packing the truck for them to move, my thoughts were more like denying that Nate and Emily were leaving. They aren't moving!!! It's all a dream! I am not a crier, I mean, like barely ever. People may look at that as stoic or something. Well, more than anything, I'm dying on the inside!
Emily and Nate, I want to wish you safe travels!!! I love you guys SO MUCH!!! This is going to be such an awesome experience for you!!! You have each other, and that is so important!
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