The year of 2015 has pretty much sucked from beginning to end. It started out with a new house, which we were so excited about! It was a lot of drama in the beginning. It also was the cause of a lot of conflict between me and Ian and my in laws. Ian and I fought more during this time period than we ever have. People who say the first year of marriage is the hardest must not of made it to the second year!
When all of that was finally starting to level out, and the house was starting to feel more like a home, more awful things happened. We had been trying for over a year to conceive, and it just wasn't happening. First, my OBGYN did an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) Test. This test is done to find out if the Fallopian tubes are clear so the egg can travel to the uterus. Well, that test was a hot mess. It was extremely painful for me with lots of cramping. No dye got through my tubes. Also, my OBGYN thought my uterus looked like it was the wrong shape. We started seeing a fertility specialist in March. He did a ultra sound and scheduled surgery based on the HSG test. He also scheduled a second ultrasound with shooting water into my uterus and Fallopian tubes. From that test, he decided to completely change my surgery. He thought the shape of my uterus is fine, but the actual problem is blockage and scarring in my Fallopian Tubes. So, he cancelled the original surgery and scheduled a new more invasive surgery for the week before Showchoir Camp, of course.
I went in for surgery with high hopes. This was supposed to fix me! I woke up to all of my hopes being crushed. The doctor didn't even see me afterward. He told Ian. The tubes are so blocked and scarred, they are not getting blood flow. They are basically scar tissue. That's what I lost my kidney function to that resulted in transplant: Scar Tissue.
Ian and I went in to talk to the specialist, and he said, our only option to having a baby ourselves is In Vitro Fertilization. My insurance and Ian's insurance does not cover in vitro. The cost of the process is $16,000. We would have to take out a loan to do this. I had this whole plan to have a bunch of the money by January 1st, 2016, but it didn't happen.
By August, I couldn't even talk about any of this without crying. I was so depressed. I finally went to my personal doctor and told him how awful life has been, and then, started crying in front of him. He prayed with me. (I didn't really want to, but he's extremely religious. He's also a friend that cares. I've been seeing him since 2006.) Then, he gave me Zoloft. He said to build the dosage up over four weeks.
On top of all of this, the fertility doctor has asked me to stay on birth control until we decide we are ready for in vitro. He said that, if I do get pregnant, it will probably be a tubal pregnancy that isn't viable anyway. So, I've been on these hormones on top of it all.
Shortly after upping the dosage of the Zoloft, I started getting side effects. I was jittery and couldn't sit for very long. My teeth were chattering in my sleep causing me to wake up. It also made my jaw hurt. I wrote an email to my doctor about this, and his nurse practitioner assistant replied and said that he was out of the country for a while. She told me to lower the dosage, but to stay on it.
I've stayed on that lower dosage ever since. I am still having the same side effects, but not as extreme as they were getting. I can't tell if it's helping, but I'm also not crying all the time like I was before.
On top of all of this, my mother is declining in health. She is falling all the time. I'm trying to talk her in to moving into a nursing home down here in Indy. That way she's really close to me and closer to Hope. She now isn't saying no to that request.
I was finally making it and starting to feel a little better and not as depressed. Ian and I had started discussing our options. Whether that's a loan for In Vitro or to adopt a baby, or whether that is fostering to adopt, we've been discussing our options.
We ended up adopting a retired racing greyhound. He's almost 4 years old. He's been mostly fun since we got him! We had to go through the whole process of adoption. We got him through the local chapter of Greyhound Pets of America.
I came home from work on Tuesday the 29th of December. Poor Wade had gotten sick in his crate with Diarrhea twice that day. I blame myself for not coming home at lunch to let him out.
Then, I realized that Kassie Kitty had not moved from her spot on the couch all day long. I brought her some soft food that she ate on the couch. She drank a little water. After that, we started cleaning up the mess from Wade and his crate. Ian gave him a bath and washed the crate from top to bottom. Kassie still wasn't really moving. Then, she went and hid under the bed in the extra room. I don't know how she got there. I picked her up and took her to our bedroom. She couldn't stand up. She kept falling back down. We took her to Noah's Animal Hospital, which is a couple streets over from our house. They took her and did an initial visit. Then, they did blood work. They said she was severely dehydrated and her retinas had detached. She was also depressed! They kept her over night to give her IV fluids. Ian and I went home and went to bed around 2am. The vet called at 4:40am, and I didn't hear the phone. She left a message. Then, she called again at 5:50am. She said, we needed to come in immediately. Kassie wasn't doing any better. In fact, she was worse. Ian and I rushed over. We decided to put her asleep. Kassie Kitty died in my arms at 7am.
Kassie Kitty was my first baby. I got her in 2002. She was 2 or 3 years old when I got her. So, that would have made her at least 17 years old. I know that's really good for a cat.
Every night, she would sleep on my pillow on or above my head. This last week, I wake up and reach for her, and she's not there.
What a way to start 2016!
No child.
Non functioning reproductive parts.
More in debt.
Missing my kitty.
I'm just more depressed.
People ask if I'm ok, but they don't really want to know. They're just asking to make conversation. I just say, "Sure" and move on, because that's just easier at the moment.
I don't mean for this to be the "Woe is me!" post, but this is what is really been going on in my life this year.
I have decided to make some major changes this year.
I have decided to sell Mary Kay Cosmetics to help me make some extra money to go towards the $16,000 for in Vitro.
If you would like to help me out by ordering cosmetics, you can order at www.marykay.com/hpechin-myershttp://www.marykay.com/hpechin-myers.
I will also need people to do facials with me, so I can practice! There is no obligation to buy when you get a facial! Also, my first few will get a free sample product!
I don't want or need sympathy or empathy. I just want people to know what my life has been like for the last year.
Be nice to me this year. Send me positive thoughts, karma, and prayers, whatever you prefer. I can't take another year like the last!
I know I'm still here, and I'm not dying. I have friends out there that are truly sick. I know some of you are going to say, "You choose to be happy! JUST BE HAPPY!" My chemistry doesn't work that way. I wish it did! I'm mostly a happy person with a good disposition!
I'll put my "mask" back on and go out there and do the best I can!
Friday, January 8, 2016
Friday, August 14, 2015
A Creation Story
Creation Story: OK, well, sort of. I grew up LDS/Mormon. When I was in 2nd grade, my teacher did little writings books for every holiday; Halloween, Christmas, Flag Day, etc. Each student in her class wrote stories, poems, recipes, anything we wanted as long as it was some form or writing to put in this book. Then, the teacher bound them and gave them to the parents. For Christmas, I decided to write about the Mormon Doctrine of the creation story. (Well, as far as I knew it at the time. I was 7/8 ish.) It was interesting enough for my teacher to ask questions and come to the Salt Lake City Latter Day Saint Christmas Broadcast of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at our local church. This was way before everyone had the BYU channel on Cable or could get these things for free on their computers.
My interpretation at the time of Mormon Doctrine of the creation goes something like this:
Before the Earth was created, God asked for a plan of how life on Earth would work. Lucifer (God's son and Jesus's brother) came up with a plan where no one had a choice. People would come to Earth and live in their physical bodies, and automatically come back to heaven when they died. Jesus presented a plan where, each spirit would go down to Earth and get their physical bodies. While on Earth, each spirit would be tested and put through trials in which they would have free agency or a choice of what to do in each trial. Then, after they were tested and chose, they could possibly return to Heaven based on how they lived their life, and progressed through their trials.
God decided that he liked Jesus's plan better, and chose to go with it. Lucifer got upset and decided to start asking spirits/people/intelligences to choose sides. Well, about a third decide to go with Lucifer and two thirds decide to go with Jesus and God. This creates a war in Heaven. God/Heavenly Father casts Lucifer and his followers out into outer darkness (Mormons believe in Outer Darkness instead of a Physical Hell.) because of the war.
Then, God got to work in creating the Earth. Mormon doctrine is basically as the creation is depicted in Genesis in the Bible.
In Mormon doctrine, spirits were considered intelligences that always existed even before they were spirits. Whether or not the huge battle happened between intelligences or the more formed spirits, I'm not sure.
Now, I still have a lot of questions about this belief system. I whole heartedly believed in this as a child, because it is what was taught to me. Now, this doctrine just creates confusion in me.
My interpretation at the time of Mormon Doctrine of the creation goes something like this:
Before the Earth was created, God asked for a plan of how life on Earth would work. Lucifer (God's son and Jesus's brother) came up with a plan where no one had a choice. People would come to Earth and live in their physical bodies, and automatically come back to heaven when they died. Jesus presented a plan where, each spirit would go down to Earth and get their physical bodies. While on Earth, each spirit would be tested and put through trials in which they would have free agency or a choice of what to do in each trial. Then, after they were tested and chose, they could possibly return to Heaven based on how they lived their life, and progressed through their trials.
God decided that he liked Jesus's plan better, and chose to go with it. Lucifer got upset and decided to start asking spirits/people/intelligences to choose sides. Well, about a third decide to go with Lucifer and two thirds decide to go with Jesus and God. This creates a war in Heaven. God/Heavenly Father casts Lucifer and his followers out into outer darkness (Mormons believe in Outer Darkness instead of a Physical Hell.) because of the war.
Then, God got to work in creating the Earth. Mormon doctrine is basically as the creation is depicted in Genesis in the Bible.
In Mormon doctrine, spirits were considered intelligences that always existed even before they were spirits. Whether or not the huge battle happened between intelligences or the more formed spirits, I'm not sure.
Now, I still have a lot of questions about this belief system. I whole heartedly believed in this as a child, because it is what was taught to me. Now, this doctrine just creates confusion in me.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
The Sadness...
Do you ever feel the sadness that is happening in the World today? All of the horrible things that have happened in the last couple months are starting to affect me!
I'm usually a happy go lucky person! I don't watch things that are downers. I don't listen to sad music very often. I can usually read or watch the news without feeling it too deeply.
Lately, things have been extremely harsh.
We went to see "Into the Woods" on Saturday, and one of the previews before hand was for "Selma." Selma is a city in Alabama that had an extremely rough transition when it came to equality for black human beings. During the preview, I instantly started tearing up! Why?! I AM NOT A CRIER! I mean, EVER! I rarely cry at anything. I only got emotional once at my entire wedding. I didn't cry at my father's funeral. I am not an outwardly emotional person. So, why is this happening?!?
Also, there's the song "The Hanging Tree" from the movie "Hunger Games: Mocking Jay- Part 1." They play this song that Jennifer Lawrence sings when the people start protesting the the Capitol and the Guards, and they start getting killed. They keep playing a techno version on the radio, and I start getting emotional. The only time I listen to the radio is when I'm driving, so, that creates a dangerous situation!
I always joke that my sympathy/empathy button is broken. I'm almost always "faking it" which makes me sound like a terrible person.
In fact, when people try to empathize with me, I almost find it laughable that they would even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I know that sounds really horrible!
I've been battling a little bit of depression for a few months. It's possibly seasonal disorder related. This year's seasonal disorder has been extremely bad for me.
I'm usually a happy go lucky person! I don't watch things that are downers. I don't listen to sad music very often. I can usually read or watch the news without feeling it too deeply.
Lately, things have been extremely harsh.
We went to see "Into the Woods" on Saturday, and one of the previews before hand was for "Selma." Selma is a city in Alabama that had an extremely rough transition when it came to equality for black human beings. During the preview, I instantly started tearing up! Why?! I AM NOT A CRIER! I mean, EVER! I rarely cry at anything. I only got emotional once at my entire wedding. I didn't cry at my father's funeral. I am not an outwardly emotional person. So, why is this happening?!?
Also, there's the song "The Hanging Tree" from the movie "Hunger Games: Mocking Jay- Part 1." They play this song that Jennifer Lawrence sings when the people start protesting the the Capitol and the Guards, and they start getting killed. They keep playing a techno version on the radio, and I start getting emotional. The only time I listen to the radio is when I'm driving, so, that creates a dangerous situation!
I always joke that my sympathy/empathy button is broken. I'm almost always "faking it" which makes me sound like a terrible person.
In fact, when people try to empathize with me, I almost find it laughable that they would even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I know that sounds really horrible!
I've been battling a little bit of depression for a few months. It's possibly seasonal disorder related. This year's seasonal disorder has been extremely bad for me.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
The Statement
People don't understand why women have such a hard time with self esteem. A while back, my husband and I went out with a friend of ours. We were deep in conversation about another friend, and what she was doing in her life. That's when it happened. The friend turned to me and said, "Well, you're not that attractive, and you do pretty well for yourself!"
I've been a little broken ever since that moment.
I try to be extremely positive all the time. Sometimes it's real positivity, and sometimes it's just a facade.
In my mind at that time, I tried to justify the statement with, oh, I know what he means. I have a job. I have a boyfriend who loves me. (This was pre-marriage.) I have friends. I have all of these positive things in my life. But lately, the statement he made almost two years ago, has been extremely damaging.
I've done things to try to improve myself with diet and exercise and trying to dress properly, but that really doesn't change my looks. My parents didn't believe in braces when I was a child, so, my teeth are crooked, and I'm extremely obese.
Maybe I should start looking into getting braces and an adult, but we just don't have the money right now.
Part of me just can't believe that something that was said almost two years ago is bothering my psyche so much now. I've never let anything get to me like this before, but this was coming from someone who is supposed to be my friend. My husband was there, but he didn't correct him. Maybe my husband didn't realize how awful the statement was at that time.
It's really hard to look at our examples of what looks feminine in media, because I'm not it.
Hearing, "Oh, but you're beautiful inside!" doesn't fix the situation either.
Why this person thought it was ok to say this, I have no idea.
Body image is such a part of our sense of self whether or not it's good.
I've been a little broken ever since that moment.
I try to be extremely positive all the time. Sometimes it's real positivity, and sometimes it's just a facade.
In my mind at that time, I tried to justify the statement with, oh, I know what he means. I have a job. I have a boyfriend who loves me. (This was pre-marriage.) I have friends. I have all of these positive things in my life. But lately, the statement he made almost two years ago, has been extremely damaging.
I've done things to try to improve myself with diet and exercise and trying to dress properly, but that really doesn't change my looks. My parents didn't believe in braces when I was a child, so, my teeth are crooked, and I'm extremely obese.
Maybe I should start looking into getting braces and an adult, but we just don't have the money right now.
Part of me just can't believe that something that was said almost two years ago is bothering my psyche so much now. I've never let anything get to me like this before, but this was coming from someone who is supposed to be my friend. My husband was there, but he didn't correct him. Maybe my husband didn't realize how awful the statement was at that time.
It's really hard to look at our examples of what looks feminine in media, because I'm not it.
Hearing, "Oh, but you're beautiful inside!" doesn't fix the situation either.
Why this person thought it was ok to say this, I have no idea.
Body image is such a part of our sense of self whether or not it's good.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Musicals that are Life Changing
"WICKED" The Musical is one of the musicals that absolutely changed my life! At the time, I had just started a new job just out of college, and needed something like "Wicked" that's message told me, it's ok to move on in life. You don't have too forget your friends in college, but you can also make new ones.
I have other musicals that have been poignant at different times in my life, like "RENT," which came out a couple years before I went to college. It was the musical that all of my friends would start spouting out lyrics to and bonded together.
Was there a musical that changed your life? Why was it so important at that point?
I have other musicals that have been poignant at different times in my life, like "RENT," which came out a couple years before I went to college. It was the musical that all of my friends would start spouting out lyrics to and bonded together.
Was there a musical that changed your life? Why was it so important at that point?
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Seasons Change, and So does my mood!
Every year, in about September, when the weather has it's first cold-ish day, and the sky is all gray, I can't do it. I just don't function well! It's probably undiagnosed Seasonal Depression.
This year, it was a Friday. I went home from work, and just laid in bed. Ian got home and asked if we were going to our planned event.
I said, "Yes," but didn't get up. He laid there with me, and we didn't move for another hour before I could even fathom getting out of the bed and facing the world.
Everyone else is on the I LOVE FALL Train, but me, it just makes me sad and tired.
I hate Fall.
I hate the leaves changing color.
I hate the weather change.
I hate my Fall Allergies.
I hate pumpkin.
I hate the cold.
I hate that it means Winter is coming.
I hate the weight gain.
Now, you're saying, Why don't you just move?! And I would, but my mom is still in Indiana. Ian's parents are still in Indiana. It's not that easy! We both need jobs with insurance. (I guess the insurance thing is getting better now.) I also have a group that I started and work very closely with. This is all in Indiana.
I was really hoping to take some kind of trip to somewhere warmer this Fall, but with Ian's new work schedule, we won't be able to do it this year.
I try not to show the thoughts, feelings, and depression that hits me every year at this time of year. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Now, I'm not saying, Woah is me, or anything like that. I'm just saying, this is why I hate the Fall.
*All negativity in this blog post is just a "tongue and cheek" type of posting. It's not meant to be overly hateful or hurtful to those who do love ALL THINGS FALL and have a ticket on the FALL Train! Those who LOVE the Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING!
I write about this in case there are others out there that feel this way.
Others that feel the pure exhaustion.
Others that have the allergies.
Others that can't face another pumpkin spice item.
Others that know what it feels like when they step on the scale, and see it go up another pound, knowing that it's not going to go away!
To end on a happier note, here's a picture of me dancing with a dolphin!
This year, it was a Friday. I went home from work, and just laid in bed. Ian got home and asked if we were going to our planned event.
I said, "Yes," but didn't get up. He laid there with me, and we didn't move for another hour before I could even fathom getting out of the bed and facing the world.
Everyone else is on the I LOVE FALL Train, but me, it just makes me sad and tired.
I hate Fall.
I hate the leaves changing color.
I hate the weather change.
I hate my Fall Allergies.
I hate pumpkin.
I hate the cold.
I hate that it means Winter is coming.
I hate the weight gain.
Now, you're saying, Why don't you just move?! And I would, but my mom is still in Indiana. Ian's parents are still in Indiana. It's not that easy! We both need jobs with insurance. (I guess the insurance thing is getting better now.) I also have a group that I started and work very closely with. This is all in Indiana.
I was really hoping to take some kind of trip to somewhere warmer this Fall, but with Ian's new work schedule, we won't be able to do it this year.
I try not to show the thoughts, feelings, and depression that hits me every year at this time of year. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Now, I'm not saying, Woah is me, or anything like that. I'm just saying, this is why I hate the Fall.
*All negativity in this blog post is just a "tongue and cheek" type of posting. It's not meant to be overly hateful or hurtful to those who do love ALL THINGS FALL and have a ticket on the FALL Train! Those who LOVE the Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING!
I write about this in case there are others out there that feel this way.
Others that feel the pure exhaustion.
Others that have the allergies.
Others that can't face another pumpkin spice item.
Others that know what it feels like when they step on the scale, and see it go up another pound, knowing that it's not going to go away!
To end on a happier note, here's a picture of me dancing with a dolphin!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
A "Halloween" Memory
I have this memory of elementary music class with Mrs. Troste at Klondike Elementary School. Every year, we would sing "H-A- Double L-O-W- Double E-N Spells Halloween!" to "Danse Macabre. We could also watch a video of Skeletons dancing to it.
I think it may have been this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CHqhsMP80E
I'm trying to figure out if this was something that she made up, or if it was related to an old music text book.
In doing my research, using the search terms "Skeleton Dance," I also found these two videos, also classics.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h03QBNVwX8Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXkQSiJG7fk
Competing companies with close to the same idea. The Disney Silly Symphony came out first.
Then, there's this newer one, basically, an updated version of the PBS 80's Video. This may be close to breaking the Copyright of the first video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0glOYQBlSA
I actually think about this memory a lot. I thought I would get it out on my blog.
UPDATE: A little more research, and I found it!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDQB297DgQ0
I think it may have been this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CHqhsMP80E
I'm trying to figure out if this was something that she made up, or if it was related to an old music text book.
In doing my research, using the search terms "Skeleton Dance," I also found these two videos, also classics.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h03QBNVwX8Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXkQSiJG7fk
Competing companies with close to the same idea. The Disney Silly Symphony came out first.
Then, there's this newer one, basically, an updated version of the PBS 80's Video. This may be close to breaking the Copyright of the first video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0glOYQBlSA
I actually think about this memory a lot. I thought I would get it out on my blog.
UPDATE: A little more research, and I found it!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDQB297DgQ0
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)