The Sadness...

Do you ever feel the sadness that is happening in the World today? All of the horrible things that have happened in the last couple months are starting to affect me!
I'm usually a happy go lucky person! I don't watch things that are downers. I don't listen to sad music very often. I can usually read or watch the news without feeling it too deeply.
Lately, things have been extremely harsh.
We went to see "Into the Woods" on Saturday, and one of the previews before hand was for "Selma." Selma is a city in Alabama that had an extremely rough transition when it came to equality for black human beings. During the preview, I instantly started tearing up! Why?! I AM NOT A CRIER! I mean, EVER! I rarely cry at anything. I only got emotional once at my entire wedding. I didn't cry at my father's funeral. I am not an outwardly emotional person. So, why is this happening?!?
Also, there's the song "The Hanging Tree" from the movie "Hunger Games: Mocking Jay- Part 1." They play this song that Jennifer Lawrence sings when the people start protesting the the Capitol and the Guards, and they start getting killed. They keep playing a techno version on the radio, and I start getting emotional. The only time I listen to the radio is when I'm driving, so, that creates a dangerous situation!
I always joke that my sympathy/empathy button is broken. I'm almost always "faking it" which makes me sound like a terrible person.
 In fact, when people try to empathize with me, I almost find it laughable that they would even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I know that sounds really horrible!
I've been battling a little bit of depression for a few months. It's possibly seasonal disorder related. This year's seasonal disorder has been extremely bad for me.

The Statement

People don't understand why women have such a hard time with self esteem. A while back, my husband and I went out with a friend of ours. We were deep in conversation about another friend, and what she was doing in her life. That's when it happened. The friend turned to me and said, "Well, you're not that attractive, and you do pretty well for yourself!"
I've been a little broken ever since that moment.
I try to be extremely positive all the time. Sometimes it's real positivity, and sometimes it's just a facade.
In my mind at that time, I tried to justify the statement with, oh, I know what he means. I have a job. I have a boyfriend who loves me. (This was pre-marriage.) I have friends. I have all of these positive things in my life. But lately, the statement he made almost two years ago, has been extremely damaging.
I've done things to try to improve myself with diet and exercise and trying to dress properly, but that really doesn't change my looks. My parents didn't believe in braces when I was a child, so, my teeth are crooked, and I'm extremely obese.
Maybe I should start looking into getting braces and an adult, but we just don't have the money right now.
Part of me just can't believe that something that was said almost two years ago is bothering my psyche so much now. I've never let anything get to me like this before, but this was coming from someone who is supposed to be my friend. My husband was there, but he didn't correct him. Maybe my husband didn't realize how awful the statement was at that time.
It's really hard to look at our examples of what looks feminine in media, because I'm not it.
Hearing, "Oh, but you're beautiful inside!" doesn't fix the situation either.
Why this person thought it was ok to say this, I have no idea.
Body image is such a part of our sense of self whether or not it's good.

Musicals that are Life Changing

"WICKED" The Musical​ is one of the musicals that absolutely changed my life! At the time, I had just started a new job just out of college, and needed something like "Wicked" that's message told me, it's ok to move on in life. You don't have too forget your friends in college, but you can also make new ones.
I have other musicals that have been poignant at different times in my life, like "RENT​," which came out a couple years before I went to college. It was the musical that all of my friends would start spouting out lyrics to and bonded together.
Was there a musical that changed your life? Why was it so important at that point?

Seasons Change, and So does my mood!

Every year, in about September, when the weather has it's first cold-ish day, and the sky is all gray, I can't do it. I just don't function well! It's probably undiagnosed Seasonal Depression.
This year, it was a Friday. I went home from work, and just laid in bed. Ian got home and asked if we were going to our planned event.
I said, "Yes," but didn't get up. He laid there with me, and we didn't move for another hour before I could even fathom getting out of the bed and facing the world.
Everyone else is on the I LOVE FALL Train, but me, it just makes me sad and tired. 
I hate Fall.
I hate the leaves changing color.
I hate the weather change.
I hate my Fall Allergies.
I hate pumpkin.
I hate the cold.
I hate that it means Winter is coming.
I hate the weight gain.
Now, you're saying, Why don't you just move?! And I would, but my mom is still in Indiana. Ian's parents are still in Indiana. It's not that easy! We both need jobs with insurance. (I guess the insurance thing is getting better now.) I also have a group that I started and work very closely with. This is all in Indiana.
I was really hoping to take some kind of trip to somewhere warmer this Fall, but with Ian's new work schedule, we won't be able to do it this year.
I try not to show the thoughts, feelings, and depression that hits me every year at this time of year. "Ain't nobody got time for that!" 
Now, I'm not saying, Woah is me, or anything like that. I'm just saying, this is why I hate the Fall.
*All negativity in this blog post is just a "tongue and cheek" type of posting. It's not meant to be overly hateful or hurtful to those who do love ALL THINGS FALL and have a ticket on the FALL Train! Those who LOVE the Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING!
I write about this in case there are others out there that feel this way.
Others that feel the pure exhaustion.
Others that have the allergies.
Others that can't face another pumpkin spice item.
Others that know what it feels like when they step on the scale, and see it go up another pound, knowing that it's not going to go away!
To end on a happier note, here's a picture of me dancing with a dolphin! 

A "Halloween" Memory

I have this memory of elementary music class with Mrs. Troste at Klondike Elementary School. Every year, we would sing "H-A- Double L-O-W- Double E-N Spells Halloween!" to "Danse Macabre. We could also watch a video of Skeletons dancing to it.
I think it may have been this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CHqhsMP80E

I'm trying to figure out if this was something that she made up, or if it was related to an old music text book.

In doing my research, using the search terms "Skeleton Dance," I also found these two videos, also classics.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h03QBNVwX8Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXkQSiJG7fk
Competing companies with close to the same idea. The Disney Silly Symphony came out first.

Then, there's this newer one, basically, an updated version of the PBS 80's Video. This may be close to breaking the Copyright of the first video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0glOYQBlSA

I actually think about this memory a lot. I thought I would get it out on my blog. 

UPDATE: A little more research, and I found it!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDQB297DgQ0

The Debate on Shoulders

Lately, I feel like there's been a huge debate on shoulders and modesty. Now, this possibly could be mostly in my head because of buying a wedding dress and picking bridesmaid dresses. There are two sides of the debate: Modest is Hottest or Because Shoulders are Sexy.
I saw a blog where a mom was critiquing the teenage girls that her sons are following on social media with on how the teenage girls chose to portray themselves on their personal social media.  She did this by blaming those girls for what they were wearing and how they were posing in their "selfies." Now, with her blog post, she shared pictures of her children in swim suits.  The boys were all shirtless.  Her littlest, a daughter in a bathing suit.  I found this to be very hypercritical!  There's an article that shows the original pictures she had on there before she went and changed them all to pictures of her children clothed.
That was a bit of a tangent, so, I'll get back to my original point. Is showing a shoulder way to sexy?  One point of view is, why does it matter? Men and boys should be taught how to control themselves!  If I choose to where a sleeveless dress or shirt, that does not give someone the right to think they can hurt me! These women who think that other people's daughters need to learn how to dress less provocatively to protect themselves should look in the mirror.  They should learn to teach their sons how to treat woman and girls with respect!
Then, there's the part of me that grew up in the culture that showing a shoulder was immodest. Even now, I see women at certain kind of events and think, "Wow. They believe that's appropriate." That is pretty horrible and judgmental on my behalf! I really don't think it now as much as I used too.It's along the lines of, how old is she? Is that appropriate for her age? Is that appropriate for the work place? Questions like those. One time, my boss said, "Why don't you dress like (said coworker)? Wear shells and things like she does!" Well, she wore things without sleeves. I didn't think that they are appropriate for work for that reason.
Now, I get to my point. My wedding dress: It's amazing!!! I can't wait to wear it and walk down the aisle. I was having a discussion with a friend about my dress who is a member of the LDS church. She asked if the dress was sleeveless/strapless. I said, well, yes, it is! She said, aren't you going to get a shaw or something for it? You should, I mean, November is cold! Now, the wedding is inside. It will be very climate controlled.
Update 7/24/14:
LOL! I started writing this months ago! The wedding went off without a hitch! The dress was/is amazing! My bridesmaids wore strapless dresses. They looked amazing!
I can't believe I left this blog hanging for so long. The emphasis on "Modest attire" has been out of proportion. So what if your shoulders are showing! If you're comfortable, fine! In Indiana, where Summer temperatures usually run in the 90's, (This Summer has been a strange exception!) not being stifling hot is important!
Time to move on.

The Xanex Incident of 2013: Honeymoon Conclusion

For our Honeymoon, Ian and I went to Disney World. I'm a horrible flyer, so, when I fly now, I get a prescription for Xanex from my doctor. Having an anxiety attack on a plane is not fun.
During the week, I had been taking Xanex at the parks to help me feel less anxiety about getting on the rides. Having an anxiety attack in EPCOT isn't fun either, but that's another story.
The last day of our honeymoon, we were spending in Animal Kingdom. There was a ride called "Dinosaur" I really wanted to get on. On our past trip to Disney World, because of said anxiety attack I had in EPCOT, I did not ride Dinosaur. I also didn't ride a lot of other rides. So, with my lunch at the Flame tree BBQ, I took two .5's of Xanex.
I rode Dinosaur! It kind of felt like the ride was in slow motion, which was really strange! Then, we finished our day at Animal Kingdom and left for the airport. When we got to the airport, I took my usual dosage for flying of Xanex, two .5's, my second dosage of that in about 6 hours.
Well, the flight home, I was fine, just really sleepy. As soon as we got off the plane, I remember taking a picture of a model plane, and stating to Ian that I was hungry and NEEDED food! After that is when things start getting hazy.

Actual Picture taken while I was "on Xanex." 

On the way home from the airport, we stopped and got food at Steak 'n Shake. I ordered a Chili 5-Way. We got home, and I remember eating the food, handing the half empty container to my husband, and going to bed. 

Three days later, I asked Ian why we hadn't received our mail from the week before that we had held. He said, "We did." I said, No, we didn't! He said, "YES, WE DID!" I said, no, there's no way. He said, "You sat here on the couch the night we flew in and read mail and handed it to me to read!!!"  Only then, did I kind of remember doing that.
I had come home that night. We went through all of the mail right then, but I hadn't remembered any of that.
Be careful with how much Xanex you take!