Here's the thing: I hate Christmas music.
It's just an annoyance to me.
I do have favorite Christmas and Holiday pieces that stand alone.
One of those pieces is "O Holy Night." Thought I do have a random memory that is kind of messed up with this piece.
When I was younger, my parents always took me every where with them about 85% of the time. Even places that may have not been that appropriate places. My parents were older, so, a lot of their friends/ acquaintances have passed over the years. My parents always took me to their funerals.
One of these people passed and my parents took me along for the funeral. At the funeral, a woman said, "This is *his* favorite piece of music, and proceeded to try to sing "O Holy Night." She kept having to stop to cry. She barely made it through the piece at all. Mind you, this was in the middle of Summer and wasn't even close to the Holiday season!!!
Now, I know that sometimes I can be an emotionless crazy person when it comes to things like death, but in my mind, I just wanted to laugh at her. I held it together! (Giggle loop, anyone?)
I still LOVE the piece "O Holy Night," but cannot sing it or hear it without this experience being in mind!
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Thursday, November 3, 2016
What do you do when your person dies?
Do you have that one person? You know, that person that you can call any time a day and tell anything? That person that would show up at your door if able in a heart beat if they are needed? That person that knows EVERY thing about you, or just knows, plain and simple?
I have a Facebook friend from high school that lost her person over a year ago. She made a post today about how much she misses this person. It made me think about the people in my life.
This has happened to my mom more than once. Her first best friend that I remember was Nita Bruce. She talked to Nita daily for hours on the phone. This was before cordless phones even existed! My mom and Nita would talk and talk and talk for HOURS every night before bed.
Nita got cancer when I was very young. She lived with it for years and years. She finally passes when I was 14 years old.
After her passing, I'm sure my mom felt more than a loss. More than a whole in her heart. More than I can even imagine.
She lost my dad in May of 2014. They had been married for over 63 years.
Then, she made a friend named Juanita when she worked at Meijer. This friend also ended up living in the same apartment building as my mom. They talked a lot and visited. Juanita also helped check in on my mom's cat when mom would leave town or go to the hospital.
Earlier this year, her friend Juanita had a stroke in my mom's apartment. The paramedics came and got her. My mother read in the news paper a few days later that her friend had passed! No one came and told her!
Since her friend's passing, she has she has been very depressed. She has lost her person, again.
What do you do when you've lost your person? I have had a few instances in my life where I've had that person, but they didn't die. I can still check in on them on Facebook, or even call them. Sometimes, we gain or lose our person based on life experiences. We move off to college and lose that best friend from high school.
Maybe we learn that person we thought was our person wasn't so trust worthy in the first place.
We still feel a loss when that person isn't involved in our life anymore. There's a whole in our heart. Does that hole go away?
In my mom's case, she has always been faithful in knowing that she will see those lost in the afterlife. But what if you don't believe in the afterlife? How do you go on with your own life with the loss?
I know that people use the arts, meditation, nature, and other things to help fill their holes, but does the feeling of loss ever go completely?
No, I don't think so.
I've been dreaming a lot about my dad lately. He has been on my mind subconsciously. I haven't been thinking about him to much during waking hours, and my subconscious mind may just be worried I would forget about him.
I'm not going to. I know that.
Currently, my person has had a ton of loss and health issues. I have debated whether or not I should drop everything and go to her. Does that make me a terrible person for her? She is only about two and a half hours away, yet, my life has been consumed with crazy business! I'm feeling like I should have dropped everything and gone to her months ago, yet, I haven't been able to. I feel anchored down by responsibilities that I have here. Should I feel this way?
I'm so happy to have my person here on this Earth. I hope she knows I love her.
Have you ever lost your person?
I have a Facebook friend from high school that lost her person over a year ago. She made a post today about how much she misses this person. It made me think about the people in my life.
This has happened to my mom more than once. Her first best friend that I remember was Nita Bruce. She talked to Nita daily for hours on the phone. This was before cordless phones even existed! My mom and Nita would talk and talk and talk for HOURS every night before bed.
Nita got cancer when I was very young. She lived with it for years and years. She finally passes when I was 14 years old.
After her passing, I'm sure my mom felt more than a loss. More than a whole in her heart. More than I can even imagine.
She lost my dad in May of 2014. They had been married for over 63 years.
Then, she made a friend named Juanita when she worked at Meijer. This friend also ended up living in the same apartment building as my mom. They talked a lot and visited. Juanita also helped check in on my mom's cat when mom would leave town or go to the hospital.
Earlier this year, her friend Juanita had a stroke in my mom's apartment. The paramedics came and got her. My mother read in the news paper a few days later that her friend had passed! No one came and told her!
Since her friend's passing, she has she has been very depressed. She has lost her person, again.
What do you do when you've lost your person? I have had a few instances in my life where I've had that person, but they didn't die. I can still check in on them on Facebook, or even call them. Sometimes, we gain or lose our person based on life experiences. We move off to college and lose that best friend from high school.
Maybe we learn that person we thought was our person wasn't so trust worthy in the first place.
We still feel a loss when that person isn't involved in our life anymore. There's a whole in our heart. Does that hole go away?
In my mom's case, she has always been faithful in knowing that she will see those lost in the afterlife. But what if you don't believe in the afterlife? How do you go on with your own life with the loss?
I know that people use the arts, meditation, nature, and other things to help fill their holes, but does the feeling of loss ever go completely?
No, I don't think so.
I've been dreaming a lot about my dad lately. He has been on my mind subconsciously. I haven't been thinking about him to much during waking hours, and my subconscious mind may just be worried I would forget about him.
I'm not going to. I know that.
Currently, my person has had a ton of loss and health issues. I have debated whether or not I should drop everything and go to her. Does that make me a terrible person for her? She is only about two and a half hours away, yet, my life has been consumed with crazy business! I'm feeling like I should have dropped everything and gone to her months ago, yet, I haven't been able to. I feel anchored down by responsibilities that I have here. Should I feel this way?
I'm so happy to have my person here on this Earth. I hope she knows I love her.
Have you ever lost your person?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Lies
I'm a little torn today. Why do people think it is ok to lie? I mean, any kind of lie. Lying by omission. Lying to a sales clerk or company to get what you want. (For free even.) Lying to a group of people.
I physically cannot lie. My body immediately goes into embarrassment mode. Something in my brain explodes. My body physically reacts to a lie. My cheeks start blushing. It's a horrible feeling that I cannot deal with internally.
I've been lied to numerous times in the last couple years. I just don't understand how people can feel completely ok with themselves doing this.
I've watched people tell their children to lie to me and think it's going to just blow over with the child. Not even "little white lies" but flat out lies. The child is learning it's ok to lie.
It makes me think people in this day and age do not have a moral fiber in their being. How do they get hired? I would never use them for their business. They may lie to me to get what they what or to get the sale.
I used to trust everyone fully at first. They had to prove to me that they were not trust worthy. Now, it's the opposite. Maybe that makes me gullible. I really just wanted to see the good in people, but I can't do that anymore.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Some Thoughts on Current Events
I know this is just my point of view and/or opinion. I'll put that right up front.
I know there is white privilege. I know I experience this as a white, blonde female. I know that I have fears of my own. After being attacked by 2 Hispanic men in front of my apartment in 2010, my anxiety has sky rocketed to extreme proportions. I know that incident doesn't make all Hispanic men bad or evil.
But I'm still scared.
I'm also sad of being so scared.
I'm sad that when a group of Hispanic men walk in my store, my first thought is to flee. This is before they have even spoken to me. This has happened more than once.
I don't want to be that judgemental of a person who hasn't even spoken to me yet.
When I go to an event, and the general population of that event is largely Hispanic, I don't want to feel uncomfortable or like I need to leave immediately.
My body physically reacts to these situations. Sadly, I now grab my purse a little tighter. I walk a little further away. I get closer to my husband for protection.
Before the attack, I had dated a Hispanic man. It was all good until, one night, I ended up at a Cuban bar at 1am with him and a group of people and had no idea this is where we were going. Back then, I was unquestioning and naive. Now, I need to have all of the answers before going anywhere.
I hate that I feel this way!
On Thursday, I was walking and looked down and saw an ant scurrying on it's way. I thought, "I could step on that! But I won't. That would be taking another life!" So, I didn't. We both went along our way.
Thursday is the day we all started learning about the deaths of 2 black men at the hands of police officers. Then, as the night went on, there was the deaths of 5 police officers at the hands of one black man in Dallas, TX.
A friend posted this poem on Facebook yesterday about fear by Nikki Giovanni.
I thought of the ant I chose not to step on as he went on his way. In the Wizard of Oz book by L. Frank Baum, the Tin Man accidentally steps on a bug on the Yellow Brick Road. He immediately starts crying about it and starts rusting. The group hurries to comfort him and get him oiled. My dad and I read this book when I was about 6 or 7 years old. This part has really stuck with me over 30 years. The Tin Man was so upset over taking an innocent life!
I think of the police men and how they feel about taking another life. Is the sadness and regret as bad as the Tin Man's? They didn't go to work that day and say, "I'm going to take another human's life!"
I feel sadness for all of the families that lost their fathers/sons/brothers/uncles/husbands.
These men, all of them, the black men and the police officers who lost their lives this week were all humans with souls. Fear was in control.
I don't want fear to control me anymore. I want to be able to live my life and be happy. I want to love and trust everyone. Two Hispanic men took that ability away from me. When I travel, I now have to be drugged with anxiety medication to do a lot of things.
We are traveling to Dallas, TX soon, and I don't want to be heavily medicated the whole time we are there due to my fears and all that has happened in the past couple days.
I have friends and family of all races. I don't want to wake up and find out something happened to any of them because of someone's fear.
I know there is white privilege. I know I experience this as a white, blonde female. I know that I have fears of my own. After being attacked by 2 Hispanic men in front of my apartment in 2010, my anxiety has sky rocketed to extreme proportions. I know that incident doesn't make all Hispanic men bad or evil.
But I'm still scared.
I'm also sad of being so scared.
I'm sad that when a group of Hispanic men walk in my store, my first thought is to flee. This is before they have even spoken to me. This has happened more than once.
I don't want to be that judgemental of a person who hasn't even spoken to me yet.
When I go to an event, and the general population of that event is largely Hispanic, I don't want to feel uncomfortable or like I need to leave immediately.
My body physically reacts to these situations. Sadly, I now grab my purse a little tighter. I walk a little further away. I get closer to my husband for protection.
Before the attack, I had dated a Hispanic man. It was all good until, one night, I ended up at a Cuban bar at 1am with him and a group of people and had no idea this is where we were going. Back then, I was unquestioning and naive. Now, I need to have all of the answers before going anywhere.
I hate that I feel this way!
On Thursday, I was walking and looked down and saw an ant scurrying on it's way. I thought, "I could step on that! But I won't. That would be taking another life!" So, I didn't. We both went along our way.
Thursday is the day we all started learning about the deaths of 2 black men at the hands of police officers. Then, as the night went on, there was the deaths of 5 police officers at the hands of one black man in Dallas, TX.
A friend posted this poem on Facebook yesterday about fear by Nikki Giovanni.
I think of the police men and how they feel about taking another life. Is the sadness and regret as bad as the Tin Man's? They didn't go to work that day and say, "I'm going to take another human's life!"
I feel sadness for all of the families that lost their fathers/sons/brothers/uncles/husbands.
These men, all of them, the black men and the police officers who lost their lives this week were all humans with souls. Fear was in control.
I don't want fear to control me anymore. I want to be able to live my life and be happy. I want to love and trust everyone. Two Hispanic men took that ability away from me. When I travel, I now have to be drugged with anxiety medication to do a lot of things.
We are traveling to Dallas, TX soon, and I don't want to be heavily medicated the whole time we are there due to my fears and all that has happened in the past couple days.
I have friends and family of all races. I don't want to wake up and find out something happened to any of them because of someone's fear.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Migraines and Me
I've mentioned before on my blog that I suffer from Migraines. Here's something that I've noticed lately. When I say, "I have a migraine," people look at me with pity, but not with understanding. If a person has never suffered through a real migraine, they have no idea how to empathize or sympathize with me, the migraine sufferer.
Here are some of my truths of my migraines.
Not all of my headaches are migraines, but all of my migraines are headaches. If I say, "I have a headache," I'm just saying, I have a headache. I know other people who get ocular migraines or speech migraines. These are not the symptoms that I have. If I say, "I have a migraine," I have ALL of the symptoms of a migraine headache.
My migraine symptoms make me a non functional human. My symptoms are pain behind my eyes, the front of my head, all the way to the back of my head. Sensitivity to light. Extreme nausea. Exhaustion. Fatigue for days following the initial migraine.
For a long time, I try to pretend that the symptoms are not effecting/affecting me, but they are. I rarely call in sick to work, but if I do, I'm experiencing most of these symptoms together, all at once.
I don't take calling into work lightly. If I just have a headache, I go to work. (Unless it's lasting more than a couple days, but sometimes I still go to work in that condition!)
My Nausea has gotten extremely worse these last few times. I used to be able to throw up and move on. The last few headaches, I've just repeatedly thrown up into for more than 12 hours. That's extreme for me.
My pain is getting worse. My migraines have always been very painful, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I know that sounds crazy, but I really do. The last few migraines I've had, I've contemplated going to the emergency room. I don't want to be treated like a pill seeker, so, I won't go. This brings me to the next thing.
My prescribed migraine medications are not working for me. I tried Imitrex in college. It just made me high without taking my pain away. I don't like being high. I also don't like being in pain. The combination made me feel like my heart was going to explode! I contacted my doctor at the beginning of the month with my concerns after a migraine. He prescribed a new migraine med along with an anti-nausea medication. I took these with my migraine on Sunday night, and I could not keep them down. Therefore, the medicine didn't even get the time to start working. Maybe I should have taken them sooner when I felt the original head ache coming on. My original thought process was that it was a sinus headache. I took Sudefed, Allegra, and Tylenol to try to make it subside. It didn't work. I took a nap. That made it worse. I tried to drink some caffeine and eat dinner. That didn't help. Then, I took a Frova and an anti-nausea medicine. They didn't stay down. I'll try to take the new medicines sooner next time, but it says on the Frova: Do not take it this isn't a migraine. How am I to know which headache is going to turn into a full blown migraine, and which headache is just a sinus headache? Should I treat them all the same way?
Every one thinks they have the right answer for me. I get it. It works for you. Epsom salts with lavender oil baths, feet in the tub with hot water and a cold neck compress, essential oils to rub on the temples, go for a walk outside, drink a real Coke, stop eating this, eat this, lose weight: I get that you are all trying to help, and although your suggestions are wonderful, if I feel like I'm dying, I'm not going to do any or all of these things. I can't even get out of bed. I barely make it to the bathroom to throw up. Most of the time, I end up laying in a dark quiet room with a cool wet wash cloth over my eyes, trying not to move, and trying to fall asleep, most of the time failing. Feel free to suggest all of the methods that you use, but unless you are going to come to my house and make these things happen, I can't make myself do them. As for the diet recommendations, I know what my food triggers are. I do avoid them 99% of the time. I know the pain they cause.
You may be wondering why I'm writing all of this out. I called into work on Monday because I had been up half the night with a full blown painful, puking migraine. My boss said, "If you start feeling better, we could really use your help!" Around noon, I was finally able to shower and put clothes on. I still had the headache, but I was able to keep food down. I went into work, and I said to my boss, "At least I'm not puking anymore!" He looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "PUKING?!?!" Yes. Puking. I added, "Well, that's a part of my migraines." He again looked shocked.
I know how much migraines suck. Yes, I have headaches too, but I don't let a headache stop me. If I call into work or don't attend an event that I said I was going to, it's extremely bad.
So, please, if you don't understand, feel free to ask me questions.
If you do understand, I'm sorry that you are suffering from migraines also.
Here are some of my truths of my migraines.
Not all of my headaches are migraines, but all of my migraines are headaches. If I say, "I have a headache," I'm just saying, I have a headache. I know other people who get ocular migraines or speech migraines. These are not the symptoms that I have. If I say, "I have a migraine," I have ALL of the symptoms of a migraine headache.
My migraine symptoms make me a non functional human. My symptoms are pain behind my eyes, the front of my head, all the way to the back of my head. Sensitivity to light. Extreme nausea. Exhaustion. Fatigue for days following the initial migraine.
For a long time, I try to pretend that the symptoms are not effecting/affecting me, but they are. I rarely call in sick to work, but if I do, I'm experiencing most of these symptoms together, all at once.
I don't take calling into work lightly. If I just have a headache, I go to work. (Unless it's lasting more than a couple days, but sometimes I still go to work in that condition!)
My Nausea has gotten extremely worse these last few times. I used to be able to throw up and move on. The last few headaches, I've just repeatedly thrown up into for more than 12 hours. That's extreme for me.
My pain is getting worse. My migraines have always been very painful, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I know that sounds crazy, but I really do. The last few migraines I've had, I've contemplated going to the emergency room. I don't want to be treated like a pill seeker, so, I won't go. This brings me to the next thing.
My prescribed migraine medications are not working for me. I tried Imitrex in college. It just made me high without taking my pain away. I don't like being high. I also don't like being in pain. The combination made me feel like my heart was going to explode! I contacted my doctor at the beginning of the month with my concerns after a migraine. He prescribed a new migraine med along with an anti-nausea medication. I took these with my migraine on Sunday night, and I could not keep them down. Therefore, the medicine didn't even get the time to start working. Maybe I should have taken them sooner when I felt the original head ache coming on. My original thought process was that it was a sinus headache. I took Sudefed, Allegra, and Tylenol to try to make it subside. It didn't work. I took a nap. That made it worse. I tried to drink some caffeine and eat dinner. That didn't help. Then, I took a Frova and an anti-nausea medicine. They didn't stay down. I'll try to take the new medicines sooner next time, but it says on the Frova: Do not take it this isn't a migraine. How am I to know which headache is going to turn into a full blown migraine, and which headache is just a sinus headache? Should I treat them all the same way?
Every one thinks they have the right answer for me. I get it. It works for you. Epsom salts with lavender oil baths, feet in the tub with hot water and a cold neck compress, essential oils to rub on the temples, go for a walk outside, drink a real Coke, stop eating this, eat this, lose weight: I get that you are all trying to help, and although your suggestions are wonderful, if I feel like I'm dying, I'm not going to do any or all of these things. I can't even get out of bed. I barely make it to the bathroom to throw up. Most of the time, I end up laying in a dark quiet room with a cool wet wash cloth over my eyes, trying not to move, and trying to fall asleep, most of the time failing. Feel free to suggest all of the methods that you use, but unless you are going to come to my house and make these things happen, I can't make myself do them. As for the diet recommendations, I know what my food triggers are. I do avoid them 99% of the time. I know the pain they cause.
You may be wondering why I'm writing all of this out. I called into work on Monday because I had been up half the night with a full blown painful, puking migraine. My boss said, "If you start feeling better, we could really use your help!" Around noon, I was finally able to shower and put clothes on. I still had the headache, but I was able to keep food down. I went into work, and I said to my boss, "At least I'm not puking anymore!" He looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "PUKING?!?!" Yes. Puking. I added, "Well, that's a part of my migraines." He again looked shocked.
I know how much migraines suck. Yes, I have headaches too, but I don't let a headache stop me. If I call into work or don't attend an event that I said I was going to, it's extremely bad.
So, please, if you don't understand, feel free to ask me questions.
If you do understand, I'm sorry that you are suffering from migraines also.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Loss
I'm feeling such a loss. I miss having girl friends that are in the same city. I have a few here, but sometimes I feel like telling them my problems is just putting my burdens on them. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't want them to feel burdened.
I feel like every time I start building a true friendship with someone, that person disappears from my life. Some end up doing cruel things in the process to ruin the relationship. Some just leave. I know this is part of the adult process. I just don't understand why it has to be so painful.
My best friend lives in Chicago. I went to visit her in August and told her practically every thing that was going on in my life. She was shocked!
Mostly, I just feel heart broken. Why do women think it's OK to treat each other like crap? I can handle not hanging out with someone all the time. Being stabbed in the back is a completely different situation!
I miss having a close friend that I can just tell everything to. I am a highly guarded person in general, so, I don't just blast every thing every where.
Maybe I should just higher a therapist. Then, they have too listen to me!
I feel like every time I start building a true friendship with someone, that person disappears from my life. Some end up doing cruel things in the process to ruin the relationship. Some just leave. I know this is part of the adult process. I just don't understand why it has to be so painful.
My best friend lives in Chicago. I went to visit her in August and told her practically every thing that was going on in my life. She was shocked!
Mostly, I just feel heart broken. Why do women think it's OK to treat each other like crap? I can handle not hanging out with someone all the time. Being stabbed in the back is a completely different situation!
I miss having a close friend that I can just tell everything to. I am a highly guarded person in general, so, I don't just blast every thing every where.
Maybe I should just higher a therapist. Then, they have too listen to me!
Friday, January 22, 2016
Random Memory: It hurts when I pee!
I have this random memory of when I was really little, maybe 3 or 4 years old.
I'll give a little back story. I rarely had symptoms with my urinary tract infections. That's one reason no one realized I was so extremely ill when I was little. I always just pushed through. I had a low grade fever all the time that nobody noticed.
My random memory is this. I remember telling my dad that it hurt when I peed. Why I told my dad at that time, I have no idea. We were walking around Osco, and he asked the pharmacist what I should do. The pharmacist did not say to go get a Urine Culture done. He said, "She should drink more fluids." I remember after that going to Kmart with my dad, and then, going home.
Here is my issue with this suggestion. He was a pharmacist and not my doctor. His real answer should have been, "Drink lots a fluids, and go see your doctor. Only a doctor can do a Urine Culture."
Maybe back then (1981-1982) it wasn't really that big a deal to see your doctor for a UTI. Now, it's such a simple test, I encourage everyone to get one done! If you tell me symptoms of a UTI, I'm the biggest advocate to GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR!
All of this, "Drink more water or cranberry juice!" is just ridiculous! Sure, cranberries have healthy properties for your urinary tract, but they aren't miracle makers. UTI's need antibiotics.
So, please, take it from someone that has had a kidney transplant due to constant undiscovered childhood urinary tract infections. If your child starts saying things like, "It' hurts when I pee!" or "My lower back hurts!" or has a low grade fever, take the kid to the doctor or urgent care and get a Urine Culture!
This could save their life!
I'll give a little back story. I rarely had symptoms with my urinary tract infections. That's one reason no one realized I was so extremely ill when I was little. I always just pushed through. I had a low grade fever all the time that nobody noticed.
My random memory is this. I remember telling my dad that it hurt when I peed. Why I told my dad at that time, I have no idea. We were walking around Osco, and he asked the pharmacist what I should do. The pharmacist did not say to go get a Urine Culture done. He said, "She should drink more fluids." I remember after that going to Kmart with my dad, and then, going home.
Here is my issue with this suggestion. He was a pharmacist and not my doctor. His real answer should have been, "Drink lots a fluids, and go see your doctor. Only a doctor can do a Urine Culture."
Maybe back then (1981-1982) it wasn't really that big a deal to see your doctor for a UTI. Now, it's such a simple test, I encourage everyone to get one done! If you tell me symptoms of a UTI, I'm the biggest advocate to GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR!
All of this, "Drink more water or cranberry juice!" is just ridiculous! Sure, cranberries have healthy properties for your urinary tract, but they aren't miracle makers. UTI's need antibiotics.
So, please, take it from someone that has had a kidney transplant due to constant undiscovered childhood urinary tract infections. If your child starts saying things like, "It' hurts when I pee!" or "My lower back hurts!" or has a low grade fever, take the kid to the doctor or urgent care and get a Urine Culture!
This could save their life!
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