Some Thoughts on Current Events

I know this is just my point of view and/or opinion. I'll put that right up front.
I know there is white privilege. I know I experience this as a white, blonde female. I know that I have fears of my own. After being attacked by 2 Hispanic men in front of my apartment in 2010, my anxiety has sky rocketed to extreme proportions. I know that incident doesn't make all Hispanic men bad or evil.
But I'm still scared.
I'm also sad of being so scared.
I'm sad that when a group of Hispanic men walk in my store, my first thought is to flee. This is before they have even spoken to me. This has happened more than once.
I don't want to be that judgemental of a person who hasn't even spoken to me yet.
When I go to an event, and the general population of that event is largely Hispanic, I don't want to feel uncomfortable or like I need to leave immediately.
My body physically reacts to these situations. Sadly, I now grab my purse a little tighter. I walk a little further away. I get closer to my husband for protection.
Before the attack, I had dated a Hispanic man. It was all good until, one night, I ended up at a Cuban bar at 1am with him and a group of people and had no idea this is where we were going. Back then, I was unquestioning and naive. Now, I need to have all of the answers before going anywhere.
I hate that I feel this way!

On Thursday, I was walking and looked down and saw an ant scurrying on it's way. I thought, "I could step on that! But I won't. That would be taking another life!" So, I didn't. We both went along our way.
Thursday is the day we all started learning about the deaths of 2 black men at the hands of police officers. Then, as the night went on, there was the deaths of 5 police officers at the hands of one black man in Dallas, TX.

A friend posted this poem on Facebook yesterday about fear by Nikki Giovanni.

I thought of the ant I chose not to step on as he went on his way. In the Wizard of Oz book by L. Frank Baum, the Tin Man accidentally steps on a bug on the Yellow Brick Road. He immediately starts crying about it and starts rusting. The group hurries to comfort him and get him oiled. My dad and I read this book when I was about 6 or 7 years old. This part has really stuck with me over 30 years. The Tin Man was so upset over taking an innocent life!
I think of the police men and how they feel about taking another life. Is the sadness and regret as bad as the Tin Man's? They didn't go to work that day and say, "I'm going to take another human's life!"
I feel sadness for all of the families that lost their fathers/sons/brothers/uncles/husbands.
These men, all of them, the black men and the police officers who lost their lives this week were all humans with souls. Fear was in control.

I don't want fear to control me anymore. I want to be able to live my life and be happy. I want to love and trust everyone. Two Hispanic men took that ability away from me. When I travel, I now have to be drugged with anxiety medication to do a lot of things.
We are traveling to Dallas, TX soon, and I don't want to be heavily medicated the whole time we are there due to my fears and all that has happened in the past couple days.
I have friends and family of all races. I don't want to wake up and find out something happened to any of them because of someone's fear.

The Xanex Incident of 2013: Honeymoon Conclusion

For our Honeymoon, Ian and I went to Disney World. I'm a horrible flyer, so, when I fly now, I get a prescription for Xanex from my doctor. Having an anxiety attack on a plane is not fun.
During the week, I had been taking Xanex at the parks to help me feel less anxiety about getting on the rides. Having an anxiety attack in EPCOT isn't fun either, but that's another story.
The last day of our honeymoon, we were spending in Animal Kingdom. There was a ride called "Dinosaur" I really wanted to get on. On our past trip to Disney World, because of said anxiety attack I had in EPCOT, I did not ride Dinosaur. I also didn't ride a lot of other rides. So, with my lunch at the Flame tree BBQ, I took two .5's of Xanex.
I rode Dinosaur! It kind of felt like the ride was in slow motion, which was really strange! Then, we finished our day at Animal Kingdom and left for the airport. When we got to the airport, I took my usual dosage for flying of Xanex, two .5's, my second dosage of that in about 6 hours.
Well, the flight home, I was fine, just really sleepy. As soon as we got off the plane, I remember taking a picture of a model plane, and stating to Ian that I was hungry and NEEDED food! After that is when things start getting hazy.

Actual Picture taken while I was "on Xanex." 

On the way home from the airport, we stopped and got food at Steak 'n Shake. I ordered a Chili 5-Way. We got home, and I remember eating the food, handing the half empty container to my husband, and going to bed. 

Three days later, I asked Ian why we hadn't received our mail from the week before that we had held. He said, "We did." I said, No, we didn't! He said, "YES, WE DID!" I said, no, there's no way. He said, "You sat here on the couch the night we flew in and read mail and handed it to me to read!!!"  Only then, did I kind of remember doing that.
I had come home that night. We went through all of the mail right then, but I hadn't remembered any of that.
Be careful with how much Xanex you take!

My Greatest Anxiety

I had a dream this morning.  It went like this. 
I showed up for a wedding, and when I got there, I found out I was supposed to be singing a song for this wedding. Well, the accompanist shows up, and here I am sight reading the music, and freaking out!  At the same time, I'm supposed to be meeting with the seamstress for the alterations on my dress.
This created some anxiety ridden sleep for me!

I had a dream a month or two ago. 
I was at Showchoir Camps of America and performing in the teacher show.  I knew the music they were singing, but I didn't know the choreography.  I was standing with all the people dancing, yet, I was not moving! 
It was pretty awful!

I have dreams like these every once in a while.  I know my greatest stage freight inducing fear is, not knowing something on stage, and panicking. 
I'll have to contemplate this and remedy it somehow!