Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Mother's Day

The heartbreak.
Another friend announces their pregnancy. I understand how hard they worked to get there. I'm excited for them, yet still heartbroken.
If one more person says, "It will happen when you least expect it!" I might just punch them in the face!
We've started one failed round of IVF, not even getting past the Follicle Stimulation Point. We are going to start a new round of fertility treatments in July.
I was talking to a person I know this last week, and she was stating how OLD her son was going to be, when his wife had their baby. He'll be 40!!! I replied with, "Well, I'll be forty to when we have a baby!" She kept saying, "That's so OLD!!!" My mom had me at 45 years old. My co-worker's mom had her in her 40s. People are SO judgemental about his whole thing!!!
This person often says things that are bordering on rude. Like how a statue she saw was "SO FAT!" Actually, the female statue was a normal body size. It also makes me think, what is she saying about me behind my back. I shouldn't care, but it gets really frustrating.
There were 4-6 pregnancy announcements on Facebook around Mother's day. Well, yay for them. I'm sitting over here with no baby, financially and mentally broken.
I'm starting to worry that it will never happen for me.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Sexualizing Children in 2017

W Magazine has decided to put Millie Bobbie Brown on their "Sexiest Women Alive" list. There is a huge issue with this. She is 13 years old!!!
This got me thinking though. What about the others? What about Dakota Fanning? What about Brooke Shields? Why is younger better in the eyes of men? (Not all, but quite a few.)
Brooke Shields had nude scenes in a movie when she was 12 years old. She was playing the role of a prostitute. This role was "critically acclaimed." The movie was "Pretty Baby." Then, when Brooke was 14, she had a modeling contract with Calvin Klein. The slogan of that advertising campaign was, "You want to know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." She said this in a way that had a purpose. To sexually entice. To make Calvin Klein's brand sexier. At 14 years old, she did the movie "The Blue Lagoon." Brooke Shields has nude scenes, but later says that older body doubles did the nude scenes. A good chunk of this film is about teenagers discovering sexuality.
Then, there's Dakota Fanning. She was the sweetheart of cinema for many years. This is until the movie "Hound Dog" came along. Now, this movie is about an abusive relationship from the beginning. But then, to get a ticket to see Elvis, a teenage boy rapes her. This is not sexualization to me. This is more about abuse. But many critics stated that they were shocked that Dakota's parents would let her do the scene when she was a mere 13 years old. Dakota shot back to her critics, "It's not really happening. It's a movie, and it's called acting."
Then, at 19, Dakota did a advertising campaign for Marc Jacobs. These ads were "deemed sexually provocative" and banned in a lot of countries. 19 is a very young age, but in the United States, this is considered "adult," and she can make her own advertising campaign choices.
Children learn the word "Sexy" so young these days. They fill the need to be "sexy" when they are 4 or even younger. 
How old were you when you first started hearing the word "sexy" as a descriptor for a person? I was probably around 4 or so years old. That creates an impact on a child's life.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Thoughts on Life

Maybe I should write a memoir. People would be shocked! Heck! I WOULD BE SHOCKED! LOL! I was listening to today's Darrin Daily, and he was talking about his "New York Times Best Selling Book," and I thought, "Hmmm, maybe I should write a book!" These random thoughts are brought to you by not enough sleep for the person working 3 jobs! :-)
Honestly, I don't think I've been doing enough reading lately. Maybe I should start with doing more of that! 
In just a few short weeks, I will be on vacation. I need the vacation!!! I need rest, a pool, a theme park, things like that!!!

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

The Self Doubt

I've been working on growing my Mary Kay business while working two other jobs.
I have goals that I am setting that are personal AND professional.
The number one goal is:
TO HAVE A BABY!!! This is where I want to go with my life this year! I want to have a baby before my 40th birthday! I have ONE YEAR to do this!
My professional goals are this:
I want to become a sales director in Mary Kay by January. To do this, I will need to add around 23-28 active team members!
In doing this, I will be able to make Mary Kay my full time profession.
My first small goal is to wake up early enough every morning to put on my make up.
This is an extreme struggle for me!!! I've been watching videos about how to wake up in the morning. So far, nothing has worked for me. I have also been trying to get to bed earlier, but yet, I can't seem to fall asleep before 1am or later.
I need to be more productive at my day job.
I end up having a lot of distractions at my day job. I need to keep myself consistent until January. In December, I will re-evaluate how this is doing.
With these goals, I have had some self doubt issues. I am normally a positive person, but the last two years with the infertility issues have been severely harsh on my psyche. Since my body can't make a baby happen naturally, my mind says I can't do anything else right either. Health, business, job, etc.
Every so often, my brain says, "You can't do this. You are crazy to even fathom those types of goals!"
I usually try to to "shake off" these thoughts and feelings, but some days, it's hard to do!
I am sick of being a "slave" to my 9am-6pm job. I have other goals that I need to accomplish in my life.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Emily is Leaving...

One day, I get an invitation to a wedding of an acquaintance, more likely because I know his mom and not because I was that close to him. I RSVP'd, and a thing happened. I met his wife at the wedding! We basically became instant friends. She started messaging me through Facebook about the Indy Adult Show Choir and wanting to join. Then, she did join us.
 Emily is the most thoughtful and dedicated person I have ever met! We have some of the same struggles in our lives. We bonded not only over music, but the facet that we both needed support to get us through things in our lives.
She's now moving to Austin, Texas, because her husband got a job. I'm to the point where I think, how am I going to survive without her here in the same city?!?!? We basically talk every single day, and saw each other if not almost every other day. Last night, as we were packing the truck for them to move, my thoughts were more like denying that Nate and Emily were leaving. They aren't moving!!! It's all a dream! I am not a crier, I mean, like barely ever. People may look at that as stoic or something. Well, more than anything, I'm dying on the inside!
Emily and Nate, I want to wish you safe travels!!! I love you guys SO MUCH!!! This is going to be such an awesome experience for you!!! You have each other, and that is so important!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Why I would have Marched

The Women's March/Peaceful Protest is NOT about "Killing unborn babies" as some of you keep saying.
It's about a woman's right to sexual health care or health care in general. It also includes reproductive rights.
What if religious individuals decide to take it upon them to decide that it's NOT ok to get fertility treatments? I've been told by one individual already, "That's interfering with God's Plan!!! If he wanted you to have children, you would have already gotten pregnant!!! God will make this happen when you aren't even thinking about it!"
I believe that God created science for a reason. I would have been dead a long time ago without it!
I will need medical assistance to get pregnant, and God has provided the science to make that happen!
Also, I think about having a baby 24/7! So, I'm never going to stop thinking about it!
I choose to believe in science to make this happen!
For the woman out there that is on birth control, because her life depends on it! NOT because trying to avoid pregnancy!
For the women and men out there that don't have anywhere to go to get tested for STD's and HIV/AIDS.
For the women that don't have insurance, because ACA/Obamacare just got hacked, and they don't have anywhere else to go now for Pap smears and other testing. (You do know those help catch whether women have cancer early, right?)
For the women and men out there that need sexual education, because they have only received "Abstinence Only" education from School/Home/Church.
I'd be careful with all of you women out there saying, "This march has nothing to do with me! I don't get it!"
The women that came before you worked so hard with their blood, sweet, tears, and LIVES to make sure you live a comfortable life! You are taking this for granted! Get educated before you judge! And to all of you out there that keep saying, "They're all BABY KILLERS!!!" You better check yourself! Women are losing their rights to health care during pregnancy when you get rid of clinics like Planned Parenthood!
Planned Parenthood SAVES LIVES!!!
Unless you are going to open a nationally known clinic that does all of the things that Planned Parenthood does to SAVE LIVES, you have no right to judge!
Pro-Life also includes AFTER THE CHILD IS BORN and ADULTS! So, don't complain about Welfare for Children. A lot of people out there insist a baby is born, but then, don't want to make sure the child doesn't starve to death afterward!
I support all women, but some of you are very judgemental about things you know nothing about!
You would be surprised how many women, even religious women, have to go to Planned Parenthood for health care, because they cannot afford to go anywhere else!

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Be the change!

I'm not a "Can't Even" type of person. In fact, it always drives me INSANE when someone says, "I can't even."
You can't even what? Please, enlighten me!
In the next 24 hours, I know a lot of people out there are feeling the "I can't evens."
Take time to pray for, send positive energy, light a candle, whatever it is you CAN do to help the things going on in this nation.
On top of that, in the next 4 years, do something to create a positive change on this Earth! Join a music group or something artistic. Find a group that supports something you believe in and join in the fight. That group doesn't have to be religious. It could be a group fighting for basic freedoms for everyone. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or women's shelter.
Donate money to organizations that are going to need it! (Planned Parenthood, Women's Shelters, LBGTQ Groups and Youth Groups, Suicide Prevention Organizations, Arts Organizations) Write your Senators and Congress people! Make sure they know, WE ARE THE PEOPLE THEY ARE REPRESENTING! NOT THE BIG CORPORATIONS WITH MONEY!!! Stop shopping with the big corporations that buy these Senators and congress people!
On top of it all, it may be hard to not gripe, complain, and feel love for others that may not have the same opinion as us. But we need to be the example. Be the leaders that show others that WE CAN!!! I challenge every single one of you to go out and DO SOMETHING POSITIVE!
Tomorrow, go forth with love and a positive attitude that YOU CAN! YOU CAN MAKE THAT CHANGE!!!