The heartbreak.
Another friend announces their pregnancy. I understand how hard they worked to get there. I'm excited for them, yet still heartbroken.
If one more person says, "It will happen when you least expect it!" I might just punch them in the face!
We've started one failed round of IVF, not even getting past the Follicle Stimulation Point. We are going to start a new round of fertility treatments in July.
I was talking to a person I know this last week, and she was stating how OLD her son was going to be, when his wife had their baby. He'll be 40!!! I replied with, "Well, I'll be forty to when we have a baby!" She kept saying, "That's so OLD!!!" My mom had me at 45 years old. My co-worker's mom had her in her 40s. People are SO judgemental about his whole thing!!!
This person often says things that are bordering on rude. Like how a statue she saw was "SO FAT!" Actually, the female statue was a normal body size. It also makes me think, what is she saying about me behind my back. I shouldn't care, but it gets really frustrating.
There were 4-6 pregnancy announcements on Facebook around Mother's day. Well, yay for them. I'm sitting over here with no baby, financially and mentally broken.
I'm starting to worry that it will never happen for me.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
The Self Doubt
I've been working on growing my Mary Kay business while working two other jobs.
I have goals that I am setting that are personal AND professional.
The number one goal is:
TO HAVE A BABY!!! This is where I want to go with my life this year! I want to have a baby before my 40th birthday! I have ONE YEAR to do this!
My professional goals are this:
I want to become a sales director in Mary Kay by January. To do this, I will need to add around 23-28 active team members!
In doing this, I will be able to make Mary Kay my full time profession.
My first small goal is to wake up early enough every morning to put on my make up.
This is an extreme struggle for me!!! I've been watching videos about how to wake up in the morning. So far, nothing has worked for me. I have also been trying to get to bed earlier, but yet, I can't seem to fall asleep before 1am or later.
I need to be more productive at my day job.
I end up having a lot of distractions at my day job. I need to keep myself consistent until January. In December, I will re-evaluate how this is doing.
With these goals, I have had some self doubt issues. I am normally a positive person, but the last two years with the infertility issues have been severely harsh on my psyche. Since my body can't make a baby happen naturally, my mind says I can't do anything else right either. Health, business, job, etc.
Every so often, my brain says, "You can't do this. You are crazy to even fathom those types of goals!"
I usually try to to "shake off" these thoughts and feelings, but some days, it's hard to do!
I am sick of being a "slave" to my 9am-6pm job. I have other goals that I need to accomplish in my life.
I WILL BE A SALES DIRECTOR in Mary Kay!!!
I have goals that I am setting that are personal AND professional.
The number one goal is:
TO HAVE A BABY!!! This is where I want to go with my life this year! I want to have a baby before my 40th birthday! I have ONE YEAR to do this!
My professional goals are this:
I want to become a sales director in Mary Kay by January. To do this, I will need to add around 23-28 active team members!
In doing this, I will be able to make Mary Kay my full time profession.
My first small goal is to wake up early enough every morning to put on my make up.
This is an extreme struggle for me!!! I've been watching videos about how to wake up in the morning. So far, nothing has worked for me. I have also been trying to get to bed earlier, but yet, I can't seem to fall asleep before 1am or later.
I need to be more productive at my day job.
I end up having a lot of distractions at my day job. I need to keep myself consistent until January. In December, I will re-evaluate how this is doing.
With these goals, I have had some self doubt issues. I am normally a positive person, but the last two years with the infertility issues have been severely harsh on my psyche. Since my body can't make a baby happen naturally, my mind says I can't do anything else right either. Health, business, job, etc.
Every so often, my brain says, "You can't do this. You are crazy to even fathom those types of goals!"
I usually try to to "shake off" these thoughts and feelings, but some days, it's hard to do!
I am sick of being a "slave" to my 9am-6pm job. I have other goals that I need to accomplish in my life.
I WILL BE A SALES DIRECTOR in Mary Kay!!!
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Baby Making is Expensive! Thoughts on Infertility
Why is your way to get a baby better than mine?
Now, you may ask, why would I ask such a question! Well, I know lots of women that are in the same situation I am. They cannot get pregnant without help. Well, if you didn't know, fertility treatments, In Vitro Fertilization to be exact, run in the $17,000 range in Indiana. And that's just for the first try, with a maybe 60% chance of getting pregnant.
On top of that, if we decide to adopt instead of fertility treatments, private adoption is in the $35,000 range.
So, why do women get so defensive in the way we get the money to do it?
I decided to sell Mary Kay to start earning more money to go towards this goal.
When I told one women who had done fertility treatments, "Hey, I've started selling Mary Kay to help us earn the money towards IVF!" She said,"Why don't you do a Gofundme instead?" I had another person tell me, She took out a loan at the bank to have her twins. When I told her about the Mary Kay, she refused to even answer my messages!
I feel judged. They may not be able to buy Mary Kay right now, and that's fine. But why the shadiness? Why not just say, "I'm sorry. I can't buy right now, but good luck on your journey!" I know these women did other things like, sell baked goods they personally made. (Not really legal without a "Roadside Stand Certification" in Indiana.) Yes, I didn't buy any, but I did wish them luck, and gave love and support on their journey to getting a baby.
I'm selling a legit product, legally, and working towards a goal.
I do love these women. I want them to be successful on their journeys.
I'm not going to take out a loan that I have fear of looming over our heads for years, and there's a chance that the baby won't even happen on the first try. I don't want to beg people for free money. Trust me. I have supported the women that do this by making donations. I'm not judging their ways. This just isn't the way I want to accomplish our goal.
Why do I feel I'm being judged for my choice?
Now, you may ask, why would I ask such a question! Well, I know lots of women that are in the same situation I am. They cannot get pregnant without help. Well, if you didn't know, fertility treatments, In Vitro Fertilization to be exact, run in the $17,000 range in Indiana. And that's just for the first try, with a maybe 60% chance of getting pregnant.
On top of that, if we decide to adopt instead of fertility treatments, private adoption is in the $35,000 range.
So, why do women get so defensive in the way we get the money to do it?
I decided to sell Mary Kay to start earning more money to go towards this goal.
When I told one women who had done fertility treatments, "Hey, I've started selling Mary Kay to help us earn the money towards IVF!" She said,"Why don't you do a Gofundme instead?" I had another person tell me, She took out a loan at the bank to have her twins. When I told her about the Mary Kay, she refused to even answer my messages!
I feel judged. They may not be able to buy Mary Kay right now, and that's fine. But why the shadiness? Why not just say, "I'm sorry. I can't buy right now, but good luck on your journey!" I know these women did other things like, sell baked goods they personally made. (Not really legal without a "Roadside Stand Certification" in Indiana.) Yes, I didn't buy any, but I did wish them luck, and gave love and support on their journey to getting a baby.
I'm selling a legit product, legally, and working towards a goal.
I do love these women. I want them to be successful on their journeys.
I'm not going to take out a loan that I have fear of looming over our heads for years, and there's a chance that the baby won't even happen on the first try. I don't want to beg people for free money. Trust me. I have supported the women that do this by making donations. I'm not judging their ways. This just isn't the way I want to accomplish our goal.
Why do I feel I'm being judged for my choice?
Friday, January 8, 2016
2015: I'm glad it's over!
The year of 2015 has pretty much sucked from beginning to end. It started out with a new house, which we were so excited about! It was a lot of drama in the beginning. It also was the cause of a lot of conflict between me and Ian and my in laws. Ian and I fought more during this time period than we ever have. People who say the first year of marriage is the hardest must not of made it to the second year!
When all of that was finally starting to level out, and the house was starting to feel more like a home, more awful things happened. We had been trying for over a year to conceive, and it just wasn't happening. First, my OBGYN did an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) Test. This test is done to find out if the Fallopian tubes are clear so the egg can travel to the uterus. Well, that test was a hot mess. It was extremely painful for me with lots of cramping. No dye got through my tubes. Also, my OBGYN thought my uterus looked like it was the wrong shape. We started seeing a fertility specialist in March. He did a ultra sound and scheduled surgery based on the HSG test. He also scheduled a second ultrasound with shooting water into my uterus and Fallopian tubes. From that test, he decided to completely change my surgery. He thought the shape of my uterus is fine, but the actual problem is blockage and scarring in my Fallopian Tubes. So, he cancelled the original surgery and scheduled a new more invasive surgery for the week before Showchoir Camp, of course.
I went in for surgery with high hopes. This was supposed to fix me! I woke up to all of my hopes being crushed. The doctor didn't even see me afterward. He told Ian. The tubes are so blocked and scarred, they are not getting blood flow. They are basically scar tissue. That's what I lost my kidney function to that resulted in transplant: Scar Tissue.
Ian and I went in to talk to the specialist, and he said, our only option to having a baby ourselves is In Vitro Fertilization. My insurance and Ian's insurance does not cover in vitro. The cost of the process is $16,000. We would have to take out a loan to do this. I had this whole plan to have a bunch of the money by January 1st, 2016, but it didn't happen.
By August, I couldn't even talk about any of this without crying. I was so depressed. I finally went to my personal doctor and told him how awful life has been, and then, started crying in front of him. He prayed with me. (I didn't really want to, but he's extremely religious. He's also a friend that cares. I've been seeing him since 2006.) Then, he gave me Zoloft. He said to build the dosage up over four weeks.
On top of all of this, the fertility doctor has asked me to stay on birth control until we decide we are ready for in vitro. He said that, if I do get pregnant, it will probably be a tubal pregnancy that isn't viable anyway. So, I've been on these hormones on top of it all.
Shortly after upping the dosage of the Zoloft, I started getting side effects. I was jittery and couldn't sit for very long. My teeth were chattering in my sleep causing me to wake up. It also made my jaw hurt. I wrote an email to my doctor about this, and his nurse practitioner assistant replied and said that he was out of the country for a while. She told me to lower the dosage, but to stay on it.
I've stayed on that lower dosage ever since. I am still having the same side effects, but not as extreme as they were getting. I can't tell if it's helping, but I'm also not crying all the time like I was before.
On top of all of this, my mother is declining in health. She is falling all the time. I'm trying to talk her in to moving into a nursing home down here in Indy. That way she's really close to me and closer to Hope. She now isn't saying no to that request.
I was finally making it and starting to feel a little better and not as depressed. Ian and I had started discussing our options. Whether that's a loan for In Vitro or to adopt a baby, or whether that is fostering to adopt, we've been discussing our options.
We ended up adopting a retired racing greyhound. He's almost 4 years old. He's been mostly fun since we got him! We had to go through the whole process of adoption. We got him through the local chapter of Greyhound Pets of America.
I came home from work on Tuesday the 29th of December. Poor Wade had gotten sick in his crate with Diarrhea twice that day. I blame myself for not coming home at lunch to let him out.
Then, I realized that Kassie Kitty had not moved from her spot on the couch all day long. I brought her some soft food that she ate on the couch. She drank a little water. After that, we started cleaning up the mess from Wade and his crate. Ian gave him a bath and washed the crate from top to bottom. Kassie still wasn't really moving. Then, she went and hid under the bed in the extra room. I don't know how she got there. I picked her up and took her to our bedroom. She couldn't stand up. She kept falling back down. We took her to Noah's Animal Hospital, which is a couple streets over from our house. They took her and did an initial visit. Then, they did blood work. They said she was severely dehydrated and her retinas had detached. She was also depressed! They kept her over night to give her IV fluids. Ian and I went home and went to bed around 2am. The vet called at 4:40am, and I didn't hear the phone. She left a message. Then, she called again at 5:50am. She said, we needed to come in immediately. Kassie wasn't doing any better. In fact, she was worse. Ian and I rushed over. We decided to put her asleep. Kassie Kitty died in my arms at 7am.
Kassie Kitty was my first baby. I got her in 2002. She was 2 or 3 years old when I got her. So, that would have made her at least 17 years old. I know that's really good for a cat.
Every night, she would sleep on my pillow on or above my head. This last week, I wake up and reach for her, and she's not there.
What a way to start 2016!
No child.
Non functioning reproductive parts.
More in debt.
Missing my kitty.
I'm just more depressed.
People ask if I'm ok, but they don't really want to know. They're just asking to make conversation. I just say, "Sure" and move on, because that's just easier at the moment.
I don't mean for this to be the "Woe is me!" post, but this is what is really been going on in my life this year.
I have decided to make some major changes this year.
I have decided to sell Mary Kay Cosmetics to help me make some extra money to go towards the $16,000 for in Vitro.
If you would like to help me out by ordering cosmetics, you can order at www.marykay.com/hpechin-myershttp://www.marykay.com/hpechin-myers.
I will also need people to do facials with me, so I can practice! There is no obligation to buy when you get a facial! Also, my first few will get a free sample product!
I don't want or need sympathy or empathy. I just want people to know what my life has been like for the last year.
Be nice to me this year. Send me positive thoughts, karma, and prayers, whatever you prefer. I can't take another year like the last!
I know I'm still here, and I'm not dying. I have friends out there that are truly sick. I know some of you are going to say, "You choose to be happy! JUST BE HAPPY!" My chemistry doesn't work that way. I wish it did! I'm mostly a happy person with a good disposition!
I'll put my "mask" back on and go out there and do the best I can!
When all of that was finally starting to level out, and the house was starting to feel more like a home, more awful things happened. We had been trying for over a year to conceive, and it just wasn't happening. First, my OBGYN did an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) Test. This test is done to find out if the Fallopian tubes are clear so the egg can travel to the uterus. Well, that test was a hot mess. It was extremely painful for me with lots of cramping. No dye got through my tubes. Also, my OBGYN thought my uterus looked like it was the wrong shape. We started seeing a fertility specialist in March. He did a ultra sound and scheduled surgery based on the HSG test. He also scheduled a second ultrasound with shooting water into my uterus and Fallopian tubes. From that test, he decided to completely change my surgery. He thought the shape of my uterus is fine, but the actual problem is blockage and scarring in my Fallopian Tubes. So, he cancelled the original surgery and scheduled a new more invasive surgery for the week before Showchoir Camp, of course.
I went in for surgery with high hopes. This was supposed to fix me! I woke up to all of my hopes being crushed. The doctor didn't even see me afterward. He told Ian. The tubes are so blocked and scarred, they are not getting blood flow. They are basically scar tissue. That's what I lost my kidney function to that resulted in transplant: Scar Tissue.
Ian and I went in to talk to the specialist, and he said, our only option to having a baby ourselves is In Vitro Fertilization. My insurance and Ian's insurance does not cover in vitro. The cost of the process is $16,000. We would have to take out a loan to do this. I had this whole plan to have a bunch of the money by January 1st, 2016, but it didn't happen.
By August, I couldn't even talk about any of this without crying. I was so depressed. I finally went to my personal doctor and told him how awful life has been, and then, started crying in front of him. He prayed with me. (I didn't really want to, but he's extremely religious. He's also a friend that cares. I've been seeing him since 2006.) Then, he gave me Zoloft. He said to build the dosage up over four weeks.
On top of all of this, the fertility doctor has asked me to stay on birth control until we decide we are ready for in vitro. He said that, if I do get pregnant, it will probably be a tubal pregnancy that isn't viable anyway. So, I've been on these hormones on top of it all.
Shortly after upping the dosage of the Zoloft, I started getting side effects. I was jittery and couldn't sit for very long. My teeth were chattering in my sleep causing me to wake up. It also made my jaw hurt. I wrote an email to my doctor about this, and his nurse practitioner assistant replied and said that he was out of the country for a while. She told me to lower the dosage, but to stay on it.
I've stayed on that lower dosage ever since. I am still having the same side effects, but not as extreme as they were getting. I can't tell if it's helping, but I'm also not crying all the time like I was before.
On top of all of this, my mother is declining in health. She is falling all the time. I'm trying to talk her in to moving into a nursing home down here in Indy. That way she's really close to me and closer to Hope. She now isn't saying no to that request.
I was finally making it and starting to feel a little better and not as depressed. Ian and I had started discussing our options. Whether that's a loan for In Vitro or to adopt a baby, or whether that is fostering to adopt, we've been discussing our options.
We ended up adopting a retired racing greyhound. He's almost 4 years old. He's been mostly fun since we got him! We had to go through the whole process of adoption. We got him through the local chapter of Greyhound Pets of America.
I came home from work on Tuesday the 29th of December. Poor Wade had gotten sick in his crate with Diarrhea twice that day. I blame myself for not coming home at lunch to let him out.
Then, I realized that Kassie Kitty had not moved from her spot on the couch all day long. I brought her some soft food that she ate on the couch. She drank a little water. After that, we started cleaning up the mess from Wade and his crate. Ian gave him a bath and washed the crate from top to bottom. Kassie still wasn't really moving. Then, she went and hid under the bed in the extra room. I don't know how she got there. I picked her up and took her to our bedroom. She couldn't stand up. She kept falling back down. We took her to Noah's Animal Hospital, which is a couple streets over from our house. They took her and did an initial visit. Then, they did blood work. They said she was severely dehydrated and her retinas had detached. She was also depressed! They kept her over night to give her IV fluids. Ian and I went home and went to bed around 2am. The vet called at 4:40am, and I didn't hear the phone. She left a message. Then, she called again at 5:50am. She said, we needed to come in immediately. Kassie wasn't doing any better. In fact, she was worse. Ian and I rushed over. We decided to put her asleep. Kassie Kitty died in my arms at 7am.
Kassie Kitty was my first baby. I got her in 2002. She was 2 or 3 years old when I got her. So, that would have made her at least 17 years old. I know that's really good for a cat.
Every night, she would sleep on my pillow on or above my head. This last week, I wake up and reach for her, and she's not there.
What a way to start 2016!
No child.
Non functioning reproductive parts.
More in debt.
Missing my kitty.
I'm just more depressed.
People ask if I'm ok, but they don't really want to know. They're just asking to make conversation. I just say, "Sure" and move on, because that's just easier at the moment.
I don't mean for this to be the "Woe is me!" post, but this is what is really been going on in my life this year.
I have decided to make some major changes this year.
I have decided to sell Mary Kay Cosmetics to help me make some extra money to go towards the $16,000 for in Vitro.
If you would like to help me out by ordering cosmetics, you can order at www.marykay.com/hpechin-myershttp://www.marykay.com/hpechin-myers.
I will also need people to do facials with me, so I can practice! There is no obligation to buy when you get a facial! Also, my first few will get a free sample product!
I don't want or need sympathy or empathy. I just want people to know what my life has been like for the last year.
Be nice to me this year. Send me positive thoughts, karma, and prayers, whatever you prefer. I can't take another year like the last!
I know I'm still here, and I'm not dying. I have friends out there that are truly sick. I know some of you are going to say, "You choose to be happy! JUST BE HAPPY!" My chemistry doesn't work that way. I wish it did! I'm mostly a happy person with a good disposition!
I'll put my "mask" back on and go out there and do the best I can!
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