Emily is Leaving...

One day, I get an invitation to a wedding of an acquaintance, more likely because I know his mom and not because I was that close to him. I RSVP'd, and a thing happened. I met his wife at the wedding! We basically became instant friends. She started messaging me through Facebook about the Indy Adult Show Choir and wanting to join. Then, she did join us.
 Emily is the most thoughtful and dedicated person I have ever met! We have some of the same struggles in our lives. We bonded not only over music, but the facet that we both needed support to get us through things in our lives.
She's now moving to Austin, Texas, because her husband got a job. I'm to the point where I think, how am I going to survive without her here in the same city?!?!? We basically talk every single day, and saw each other if not almost every other day. Last night, as we were packing the truck for them to move, my thoughts were more like denying that Nate and Emily were leaving. They aren't moving!!! It's all a dream! I am not a crier, I mean, like barely ever. People may look at that as stoic or something. Well, more than anything, I'm dying on the inside!
Emily and Nate, I want to wish you safe travels!!! I love you guys SO MUCH!!! This is going to be such an awesome experience for you!!! You have each other, and that is so important!

What do you do when your person dies?

Do you have that one person? You know, that person that you can call any time a day and tell anything? That person that would show up at your door if able in a heart beat if they are needed? That person that knows EVERY thing about you, or just knows, plain and simple?
I have a Facebook friend from high school that lost her person over a year ago. She made a post today about how much she misses this person. It made me think about the people in my life.
This has happened to my mom more than once. Her first best friend that I remember was Nita Bruce. She talked to Nita daily for hours on the phone. This was before cordless phones even existed! My mom and Nita would talk and talk and talk for HOURS every night before bed.
Nita got cancer when I was very young. She lived with it for years and years. She finally passes when I was 14 years old.
After her passing, I'm sure my mom felt  more than a loss. More than a whole in her heart. More than I can even imagine.
She lost my dad in May of 2014. They had been married for over 63 years.
Then, she made a friend named Juanita when she worked at Meijer. This friend also ended up living in the same apartment building as my mom. They talked a lot and visited. Juanita also helped check in on my mom's cat when mom would leave town or go to the hospital.
Earlier this year, her friend Juanita had a stroke in my mom's apartment. The paramedics came and got her. My mother read in the news paper a few days later that her friend had passed! No one came and told her!
Since her friend's passing, she has she has been very depressed. She has lost her person, again.
What do you do when you've lost your person? I have had a few instances in my life where I've had that person, but they didn't die. I can still check in on them on Facebook, or even call them. Sometimes, we gain or lose our person based on life experiences. We move off to college and lose that best friend from high school.
Maybe we learn that person we thought was our person wasn't so trust worthy in the first place.
We still feel a loss when that person isn't involved in our life anymore. There's a whole in our heart. Does that hole go away?
In my mom's case, she has always been faithful in knowing that she will see those lost in the afterlife. But what if you don't believe in the afterlife? How do you go on with your own life with the loss?
I know that people use the arts, meditation, nature, and other things to help fill their holes, but does the feeling of loss ever go completely?
No, I don't think so.
I've been dreaming a lot about my dad lately. He has been on my mind subconsciously. I haven't been thinking about him to much during waking hours, and my subconscious mind may just be worried I would forget about him. 
I'm not going to. I know that.
Currently, my person has had a ton of loss and health issues. I have debated whether or not I should drop everything and go to her. Does that make me a terrible person for her? She is only about two and a half hours away, yet, my life has been consumed with crazy business! I'm feeling like I should have dropped everything and gone to her months ago, yet, I haven't been able to. I feel anchored down by responsibilities that I have here. Should I feel this way?
I'm so happy to have my person here on this Earth. I hope she knows I love her.
Have you ever lost your person?

Loss

I'm feeling such a loss. I miss having girl friends that are in the same city. I have a few here, but sometimes I feel like telling them my problems is just putting my burdens on them. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't want them to feel burdened.
I feel like every time I start building a true friendship with someone, that person disappears from my life. Some end up doing cruel things in the process to ruin the relationship. Some just leave. I know this is part of the adult process. I just don't understand why it has to be so painful. 
My best friend lives in Chicago. I went to visit her in August and told her practically every thing that was going on in my life. She was shocked!
Mostly, I just feel heart broken. Why do women think it's OK to treat each other like crap? I can handle not hanging out with someone all the time. Being stabbed in the back is a completely different situation! 
I miss having a close friend that I can just tell everything to. I am a highly guarded person in general, so, I don't just blast every thing every where.
Maybe I should just higher a therapist. Then, they have too listen to me!

The Sadness...

Do you ever feel the sadness that is happening in the World today? All of the horrible things that have happened in the last couple months are starting to affect me!
I'm usually a happy go lucky person! I don't watch things that are downers. I don't listen to sad music very often. I can usually read or watch the news without feeling it too deeply.
Lately, things have been extremely harsh.
We went to see "Into the Woods" on Saturday, and one of the previews before hand was for "Selma." Selma is a city in Alabama that had an extremely rough transition when it came to equality for black human beings. During the preview, I instantly started tearing up! Why?! I AM NOT A CRIER! I mean, EVER! I rarely cry at anything. I only got emotional once at my entire wedding. I didn't cry at my father's funeral. I am not an outwardly emotional person. So, why is this happening?!?
Also, there's the song "The Hanging Tree" from the movie "Hunger Games: Mocking Jay- Part 1." They play this song that Jennifer Lawrence sings when the people start protesting the the Capitol and the Guards, and they start getting killed. They keep playing a techno version on the radio, and I start getting emotional. The only time I listen to the radio is when I'm driving, so, that creates a dangerous situation!
I always joke that my sympathy/empathy button is broken. I'm almost always "faking it" which makes me sound like a terrible person.
 In fact, when people try to empathize with me, I almost find it laughable that they would even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I know that sounds really horrible!
I've been battling a little bit of depression for a few months. It's possibly seasonal disorder related. This year's seasonal disorder has been extremely bad for me.

Seasons Change, and So does my mood!

Every year, in about September, when the weather has it's first cold-ish day, and the sky is all gray, I can't do it. I just don't function well! It's probably undiagnosed Seasonal Depression.
This year, it was a Friday. I went home from work, and just laid in bed. Ian got home and asked if we were going to our planned event.
I said, "Yes," but didn't get up. He laid there with me, and we didn't move for another hour before I could even fathom getting out of the bed and facing the world.
Everyone else is on the I LOVE FALL Train, but me, it just makes me sad and tired. 
I hate Fall.
I hate the leaves changing color.
I hate the weather change.
I hate my Fall Allergies.
I hate pumpkin.
I hate the cold.
I hate that it means Winter is coming.
I hate the weight gain.
Now, you're saying, Why don't you just move?! And I would, but my mom is still in Indiana. Ian's parents are still in Indiana. It's not that easy! We both need jobs with insurance. (I guess the insurance thing is getting better now.) I also have a group that I started and work very closely with. This is all in Indiana.
I was really hoping to take some kind of trip to somewhere warmer this Fall, but with Ian's new work schedule, we won't be able to do it this year.
I try not to show the thoughts, feelings, and depression that hits me every year at this time of year. "Ain't nobody got time for that!" 
Now, I'm not saying, Woah is me, or anything like that. I'm just saying, this is why I hate the Fall.
*All negativity in this blog post is just a "tongue and cheek" type of posting. It's not meant to be overly hateful or hurtful to those who do love ALL THINGS FALL and have a ticket on the FALL Train! Those who LOVE the Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING!
I write about this in case there are others out there that feel this way.
Others that feel the pure exhaustion.
Others that have the allergies.
Others that can't face another pumpkin spice item.
Others that know what it feels like when they step on the scale, and see it go up another pound, knowing that it's not going to go away!
To end on a happier note, here's a picture of me dancing with a dolphin!