The Sheer Panic!

I have a really hard time with loosing control.  I'm sure I've had this problem my entire life.  Lately, it's been a lot worse!
I hate flying!  I can't stand that I'm not the one in control of the plane. When Ian and I flew to Florida in November, I went straight to my doctor and asked for medicinal help.  He gave me a prescription.  It did nothing for me!  Ian just about lost some fingers, I was squeezing his hand so tight!
As that vacation week went on, I had a few moments where my panic got worse.  The first day, we went to Magic Kingdom. Ian rode all of the rides.  I sat on the sidelines.  The weird thing about that is, I've ridden a lot of those rides before.  It was eight years ago, but I did!  What was the difference this time?  Disney is very kind and puts a very descriptive sign out for each ride.  I would read each sign, and feel panic just from the description!  After reading the sign for Pirates of the Caribbean, I couldn't get on it.  I sent Ian on it.  He came out and said, yes, there is a drop, but it's not too bad. I wouldn't get on it!  In fact, We decided to go to Magic kingdom for a third time, I didn't ride it until the very last time!
When Ian and I were in Epcot, I was doing ok, until we rode the Journey to Imagination with Figment ride.  At the end of the ride, there's a surprise ending.  It's nothing crazy, like a drop or anything, but the whole music and set changes at a blink of an eye.  It scared the crap out of me!  I was in panic mode for the rest of the day.  It hindered me from getting on normal rides!  I couldn't even get on the ride, Soarin' after that! That was sad, because a lot of people tell me they love that ride!  We were riding Ellen's Energy Adventure, and I could feel my panic getting worse through the entire ride.  The Ellen ride is just a slow moving ride that starts as a movie.  While you're watching the movie, the rows of seats start moving forward, and you realize, they are really "Cars" or moving vehicles.  For some reason, my brain kept turning this into, "Oh, No!  This is going to turn into a roller coaster!"  Which wasn't true.  I was a ball of nerves that entire day!  I let my panic control my day instead of me!
On our flight back from Florida, I took more of the drugs.  Maybe, I should have been taking them the whole week.  Although, I pretty much figured out, whatever my doctor gave me doesn't really work for me.  I love going places, whether it's Florida or California.  I know the best way to get to these places is to fly.  I need to figure out why I'm having so many issues with panicking.  Plus, why couldn't I get on the rides that I had even ridden before?  They weren't that bad.  I survived the times I had ridden them before! Part of me realizes that the fears and panic have gotten worse since my robbery two years ago.  Maybe that's impacting me more than I think it is. I need to figure out what's going on, so, I can get on with my life!

Taking Offense

I've been told a lot in my life time, "One Chooses to be offended!"  Is this true?  I had a memory come to mind that made me think of this.
I was teaching the women's class at my church, or Relief Society a song we were going to sing in Sacrament.  The whole time I was trying to teach, I could hear constant muttering over me.  I finally figured out who it was and said something to the person.  I'm sure I said it politely, like, "Please Stop Talking!" or something to that effect.  Well, this person got mad and stormed out of the Chapel.
This made ME feel awful!  Why should I feel awful!?  She was the one talking over me, when I was teaching the group!  I guess I chose to be offended, and still do to this day, that she would react in that manner.
Afterwards, I went up and apologized to her.  She explained to me that she was having a really bad day, and I wasn't helping her.  From that point on, we really didn't get along.  I tried to just tell myself, it was a difference in maturity levels, as in, she acted like a child. Maybe I shouldn't have pointed her out, but she was the one disrupting the class!

Random side note:  After this happened, I had a dream about this person.  She had made me really upset.  I don't even know what about, but I was screaming and cursing at her in my dream!  That was just strange!

I'm having a really hard time with pointing out people, whether they are being disruptive or just doing something wrong in general.  Now, I direct a choir, and I have my days where I'm scared to death, I'm going to piss somebody off!  The members of my choir keep reassuring me that, I should point people out. I'm the director! It's my job!  If they are singing something wrong or doing a dance move wrong, I need to make sure they know.  I also know that, part of the reason the members joined the choir is for a social activity.  I don't want to ruin that for them!
Some days, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.  Others, I'm perfectly fine!  I just need to learn, it's O.K. to point people out!  After those rehearsals, I feel horrible!  They don't happen often. It's hard to me to say to an adult, "Hi, yeah, you're the one disrupting this whole rehearsal. Could you please stop talking!"  I really feel I shouldn't have too.  We are all adults!  Shouldn't we all act like it?
I'm really working on this.  I just need to accept, if someone gets offended and never comes back, maybe they shouldn't have been in the choir in the first place.  I've also asked a lot of the choir members to start helping me out with this.  They agree that, sometimes there's too much talking.  We are also going to plan more social activities outside of rehearsal.  We really do like each other and want to let each other know what's going on in our lives!
I'm to the point that, I shouldn't let an experience that happened in church five or six years ago ruin my ability to direct my choir!  I love my choir! I love the people in my choir! They are awesome and work so hard to get things accomplished! 
*This is probably showing one of my weaknesses, but admitting the weakness is the first step to overcoming it!
Does one choose to be offended?  Most of the time, people are not trying to intentionally hurt another person's feelings.  They just don't get that what they say is so hurtful.  Maybe, they are just trying to help you are the rest of the group (in my situations) progress.

Another memory comes to mind.  The Church choir was rehearsing for a Christmas Program.  People kept talking and joking around.  The group wasn't getting anything accomplished.  The choir director, whom I love dearly, was having a hard time getting people to cooperate.  The choir members just thought the whole thing was hilarious! I was offended, as a choir member, that adults would act like this!  I finally said something to the whole group.  It was to the effect of, "We could get a lot more done if people would stop goofing off!"  Then, the matriarch of one of the families replied, "Oh, she (the choir director) doesn't care!  It proves we love her!"  So, screwing around and ruining the choir rehearsal for every one else, proves to the choir director that you love her?!  Really?!  The choir is lucky that's all I said!  The next time, I'm not going to be so nice!     
I really am getting meaner in my old age.  I tell people this all the time!  They just laugh at me. One of these days, they won't know what hit them!
Is there an appropriate time to be offended? I don't want to be accused of over reacting.  That's the coming reaction to someone being offended. "Oh, they're just over reacting!"  But is this a true statement?  What do you think?

Being Bullied: My Story

I was in the sixth grade. I had moved from one middle school to another mid-year.  At the new school, I had to ride the bus every single morning and afternoon to get to and from school.  The school was way too far away to walk, and my parents didn't see the logic in driving me there when there was a perfectly good bus to ride.
We were living in low income housing at the time, because my father had lost his job.  This meant most of the neighborhood kids were also living in the same situation.  Their parents were probably having financial issues too.  These kids were relentless!  Everyday, the bus situation was my living Hell! Getting to and from school alive was my only goal to accomplish in life!
Even the bus driver hated the situation! She had no clue what she was doing or how to calm down and control kids.  At one point, she had one of those round lumbar pillows she was hitting the bad kids in the head with.  I think at one point, my parents must have asked that I be sat in the front seat to be closer to her.  They thought maybe the bus rides would go better for me then.  But soon it just turned into the bus driver yelling over my head at the kids that were misbehaving.
There was one kid named Elmer.  He treated me the worst of all of them.  Side note, teach your children, if they have a crush on another kid, not to be mean to her, call her names, steal and tear up her things.  I don't know if this was Elmer's problem, or if he was just a little jerk! I would wear headphones and have a cassette player.  That way, I could be in my own little world with my music.  Well, Elmer figured this out!  He ripped the headphones off of my head and broke them! I remember my dad meeting me that day when I got off of the bus, and I was just bawling.
My answer: Stop going to school!  I would miss one day of school a week at least.  I would tell my parents that I didn't feel well, which was actually true at the time, because of my kidney issues.  They would not make me go to school!  Finally figured out, the kids that missed school the most, got made fun of by the teachers.  They made comments like, "Oh, she's absent again. Must be Wednesday!"
I started to feel really embarrassed by this.  Finally, I decided, I was not going to miss anymore school! That week, I got an ear infection.  My parents decided I wasn't going to go to school.  They didn't even wake me up!   That's the day the principal decided to call my parents.  My dad was working nights and sleeping days, so, I just happened to answer the phone when the principal called! That really scared me!  I thought, "Oh, no! I'm in real trouble now!"  My parents never punished me for missing school though. Like I said, I finally did make the decision that I was going to go anyway, no matter how awful it was!  I did make a friend.  Her name was Bethany.  My parents actually made arrangements for me to starting riding the bus home with her once or twice a week.  That made my life better to get away from the kids on my bus.
It did finally get better, as they say.  The next year, my parents decided to rent a house that was in the school district we had moved from the year before. These bullying experiences have impacted my life!  My sixth grade year wasn't my only bullying experience, but one of the longer lasting situations.  I know I didn't want to be treated like that, and I would never want to make anyone feel the way I did!

Some Little Pet Peeves of Mine

Everyone has them.  Those little things that other people do that just drive you crazy!!! Well, I'm going to mention a few on here!

Whistlers: Seriously!  Any kind of whistling hurts my ears!  Whether the person is whistling because they have a tune stuck in their head, or they are whistling at a sports event, or even to get a person's attention. The sound is one of the most terrible sounds in the World to me!  As a child and through my teenage years, I had severe ear infections. This causes part of my problem with the shrill sound annoying me.  I would think that other people with ear issues, hearing problems, and even hearing aids would feel the same way about it that I do.  But maybe I'm wrong.  So, the next time you're at a concert or a game, and you think that something needs whistled at, please think twice.  It really is hurting someone's ears!

Irresponsible Parents:  I'll start by saying this, I know people aren't perfect!  I'm definitely not.  But why do parents think it is O.K. to take their children out past bed time, and then, get mad at the child's melt down!?  The child is tired, and that parent is the idiot that decided to take him/her out!  I'd rather hear the child cry then hear the parent making the "SSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" sound!  That sound really annoys me, and I find it more disruptive than whispering to the child or talking to the child.
I have a couple examples.  The first one is, when Ian and I went to Disney World.  We took advantage of a lot of the EMH, or Extra Magic Hours, especially in the evenings.  If you're not familiar with EMH, it's when the parks stay open later for people that are staying on the Disney Resort properties.  That way, they can ride the attractions without as many extra people there. 
Ian and I were at Hollywood Studios, and Ian decided to ride the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster.  I decided not to.  While I was waiting for him, a little girl, maybe two probably younger, was screaming her head off!  Well, of course the poor thing was!  It was after eleven o'clock at night!  The mother wasn't handling this very well.  I could tell she was getting frustrated!  She was using some angry words with the little one along with the shushing.  Honestly, take the poor thing back to the hotel and let her sleep!
The next example I will give is when Ian and I went to see the "Avengers" movie last month. We went to a 9:30pm showing for a reason.  Plus, that movie is PG-13!  A couple brought their little boy.  He was maybe almost five!  He started making comments during the previews, which even some of those scared me!  When the movie started, he started saying, "Mommy, I'm scared!"  "Mommy, what are they doing?"  "Mommy, what's going on?!"  He was obviously way too young for the movie!  The mom, again, was shushing the kid and was visibly mad at him every time she had to take him out because he was afraid of the movie!  Here's some advice: HIRE A BABYSITTER!  Thank you for ruining all of the other movie goers experience because you're irresponsible parents!
My last example is, parents who think it's ok to take their kids to the grocery store in the late evening!  I go late at night for a reason!  OK, maybe there's an emergency where you need to just run to the store with your kid in tow, but that's not what I see most of the time.  I see the upset parent that is cussing his/her child out for crying!  Really?!  You should be mad at yourself! Not the child!
Disclaimer: I know children cry.  I know they can have melt downs at any time of day!  And for anyone that says to me, "Wait until you have kids!" I'm learning by your examples what NOT to do! 

Lack of Turn Signals:  You know that driver that thinks he's gonna cut in front of me without a turn signal? Well, he's not. I'm not letting him in!  People! LEARN TO USE TURN SIGNALS! I'm not a nice, polite driver unless that driver learns what the laws are and how to drive!  My friend Caitlin has a little blog about it!  I know how she feels!

The High Maintenance Customer:  I really love a lot of my customers!  But every once in a while, I get that one who comes in, and I have to hold his/her hand through the entire shopping process!  I know customers are going to have questions, and that's perfectly fine and normal!  The high maintenance customer is the one that comes in, doesn't know what they want, and wants you to tell them what to buy!  Some of you might think this is a good thing. Hey, just tell them to buy everything, right?  Well, this is when, every suggestion you make, they tell you is WRONG! As in, no, that's not at all what they are looking for!  Then, it just goes down hill from here!  The worse part is, when in the end, I'll find out something like, they don't even play an instrument.  They were looking for their nephew or insert some random relative here.  Basically, they were wasting my time!

These are some of my biggest pet peeves!  Their just a few little things that set me off!  Everyone has something that other people do, that drives them crazy!

Cooking for your enjoyment!

I love to cook! It's like, I'm the mad scientist doing a science experiment, except, in the end, I get to eat it!  I'm not really good with measuring the ingredients though. This can be a problem, especially if someone wants to recreate what I'm making.  A lot of my recipes are in my head, like a grandma would cook!  So, I started putting them on my pizza blog!  This may be confusing to some, but I'm just trying to get them in writing!  I also still make and eat pizza every once in a while.  I'll keep posting about that too!  So, don't worry about missing me eating and blogging about pizza!
My favorite dishes to cook are probably Mexican or Tex Mex inspired.  I seem to like a lot of mildly spicy food!
When someone compliments my cooking, I really appreciate it.  I think a lot of people feel that way about their own craft or hobby. Usually when I read a recipe, I'm already thinking about what I can change to make it taste better, different, or to my liking.  It really hard for me to follow a recipe exactly! 
My favorite part of the cooking is using seasoning, herb, and spices.  You can change the whole out come of a dish just because of the seasoning you use!  Some of my friends make fun of my for my assortment of seasonings.  Trust me, I'm barely using a quarter of what the rest of the world uses to season their food!
This is so exciting to me, I decided to share it with everyone on my pizza blog!  So, this is when it becomes cooking for your enjoyment! Everyone out there can see what I do to cook dinner every night.
Enjoy!